Unknown Unknowns Worse Than ISIS

Americans have always had a healthy sense of fear.

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As one of the founding fathers said, “those who would trade security for even a bit of liberty probably never read Scary Stories to Tell in The Dark when they were a young child.”

Lately, however, I fear that our fear has become displaced. Not that refugee grandmas or Mexicans invaders aren’t valid reasons to stay up late at night quaking in your bed, clutching your gun to your breast. But they don’t hold a candle to the real problems we face. Most likely out of ignorance, people ignore the true threats to western democracy. For instance, the terrorists could kill you, but can they eat your soul?

The following nightmare scenarios have the power to turn Fortress America into Institution America. That’s how extremely scary they are. You should be afraid. And you should be informed.

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  1. Floating Disembodied Heads– When I was very young I used to be very afraid of this picture. I became convinced that this horrible, strange image would surprise and attack me by waiting in all the dark corners of my world. Maybe it was in the mail box. Maybe in the dining room when the lights were out. Or it was slowly making its way to me as I sat at my fourth first grade desk. What would happen to me if I ran into this floating head? Well, in the story a dog sees it and dies, so that’s pretty bad. But I’m pretty sure something pretty terrible; probably, it would go ahead and eat my soul. So far, about twenty years later, I haven’t had an encounter yet so this hasn’t happened. Which only means one thing; the head is overdue. And when it’s done with me, it will come for you.                             Ghost-train-by-karola-j-on-deviantART-Google-Chrome_2012-11-13_12-42-19_thumb                             
  2. Ghost Trains – A major problem plaguing the countryside in Britain, ghost trains are a menace wherever there are rails. Hundreds of people die in rail accidents each year, but what the government doesn’t want you to know is that 79 percent of those accidents are probably from ghost trains. I tend to envision a ghost train encounter like the opposite version of the polar express; if you’re waiting at the station and a ghost train pulls up, you probably have a ticket to one of the hotter circles of hell. So it’s less like eating your soul so much as AmTrakking your soul to somewhere very very bad. And ghostly. Some fast facts: A motorist is almost twice as likely to die in an accident involving a ghost train than in a collision involving another moving vehicle of this realm. Also, apparently there’s a ghost train of the Lincoln Funeral Procession that runs from Washington DC to Springfield, IL. Spooky!pet-shop-boys-3
  3. Time Travelers From the Future– Thanks to the clever work of our government, most people believe that the Roswell crash in 1947 was a cover-up involving extra-terrestrials. However, by pretending to cover up the truth in typical nefarious-yet-incompetent manner, the government was able to cover up the real truth that the crash actually involved human time travelers from the future. Why are these people scary? Well, for one, they are among us. Watching. That alone should give you the creeps. And think about the implications. They know the future. That means that every move you make, they not only anticipate, but they know it happened. And they’re from the future. That means they have all sorts of future technology to read our minds or eat our souls. One thing that should be clear is that they are not here simply to observe. They probably come from some future corporate-fascist dystopia and are the great fixers of history, guiding society towards its inevitable and desired demise. Be hopelessly afraid.                 trypanophobia-phobias
  4. Sentient Needles What hates your freedom more than Al Qaeda? Free-moving, sentient nanobot needles. Whose only goal is to hover through the air until they find you. They will stab you, inject your body with hostile chemicals and puncture you continuously until your soul bleeds out. Spooky. exploding_sun_by_twister3010
  5. Spontaneously Collapsing Sun– There is nothing more terrifying, yet more certain, than the death of the sun. Most of us are able to live out the day without fear that something will happen to the sun and destroy us all, but that is because most people aren’t fixated on the uncertainties of science. We know that the sun is the giver of life, the giant nuclear furnace which sustains our planet and civilization, we know if the sun exploded it would only take seven minutes for the light to arrive and inform us of our imminent destruction. But we don’t know when it will happen. Most scientific models predict the end of the sun will naturally occur 5 billion years from now, but what about unnatural probabilities? What happens when we incorporate disembodied floating heads or future time travels into the scientific models? If an artery can rupture on a whim, if a bridge can collapse without advanced notice, than so too can a sun explode. And it takes a good man with a gun to stop a bad sun when it does it will make nuclear holocaust look like fireworks going off in your neighbor’s backyard.  (fun fact- if the sun went supernova tomorrow, the side of Earth facing it would boil away completely)

One Final Question: Is there a safe space? 

no.

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The Most Beautiful Parts of Beautiful Candidates

The year 2015 has given us a dynamic and impressive slate of Republican candidates for the Presidential nomination, but this despite this, the liberal media refuses to acknowledge their positive attributes.

The debate forums have been designed for the moderators to chastise and cajole the candidates into belittling themselves and one another, eschewing the important issues and attempting to portray the whole lot as a sideshow at the circus.

You can’t avoid the truth forever, and the truth is this men (and one woman) are beautiful political creatures who would make exemplar contributions to the national portrait gallery. Here are what I believe to be the best of each candidates’ physical traits.

Ted Cruz: Blow Job Lips 

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Although his talk is brash and feisty, Ted Cruz is a tender lover of all things constitutional. Once in the White House bedroom, when nobody is watching, Ted Cruz will gently coax America to rise once again to its heights of greatness, before splooging liberty all over the world. Like a true Tea Party soldier, Ted Cruz doesn’t like big government–heck, he’s tried to shut it down multiple times–but he’ll take eight inches for eight years to be America’s bitch, because that’s how much he cares for his country.

Carla Fiorino: Beautiful Face 

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What else is there to say? Donald Trump said it all.

Marco Rubio: Beautiful Face 

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What else is there to say? The Hill said it all.

Jeb Bush: Sharp Glasses 

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I admit this isn’t a direct physical attribute, unless the glasses really did grow onto his face, but glasses make for a smart man, and Jeb Bush with glasses is like George Bush with glasses, and George Bush was pretty smart to begin with, despite the media’s misunderstimations. Jeb may not be a guy you want to have a beer with (he might put nails in it), but what he lacks in charmliness he makes up for with wonkenticity. He’s Jebby Drama to George’s movie star. But just like his baby bro, Jeb’s another reformer with results.

Jon Kasic: Who? 

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Not sure what to put here.

Chris Christie: Big Round Tummy 

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I’m not trying to be mean; Chris Christie could be America’s Santa Claus, the jolly fool in the White House. I believe he ate the cast of the Jersey Shore, and that’s actually a good thing. Unfortunately, it looks like he won’t be considered for the Republican nomination because his record during Hurricane Sandy shows sometimes big men use big government to fix the problem instead of trusting market solutions.

Ben Carson: Surgically Enhanced Brain 

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Ben Carson built himself a better brain, inserting new memories into the pre-frontal lobe, such as a violent past and a scholarship to West Point. And as many others have noted, he seems to be capable of running a successful campaign on about 50% brain capacity, using the other half for important activities like sleeping, scamming old people with dietary supplements, and posthumously arming Holocaust victims.

Donald Trump: Intestinal Fortitude Pointy Fingers 

Donald Trump arrives to his Comedy Central Roast in New York, Wednesday, March 9, 2011. (AP Photo/Charles Sykes)

I gotta admit, this was a hard one, as Donald Trump is 69 years old and his bluster to luster gap kind of reminds me of Immortan Joe from the new “Mad Max” film. I have a feeling underneath those snappy suits is a pretty soft, underwhelming body. However, a lot of fuel is required to keep the Trump machine going day after day, a perpetual noise machine that will sandblast his way to the White House. That must require an efficient and dedicated digestive system, and for that Trump deserves our attention and respect.

11/6 Update: After watching ten minutes (of which I can never have back) of Saturday Night Live last night, I think its fair to say that the intestinal strength is a myth. Trump can barely handle a few minutes at a time of sitting in a chair reading cue cards and play-acting his Presidency. So his stamina isn’t what it used to be, and he’s also more terrifying than funny, but you got to give credit where credit is due: the man’s got fingers.

Those fingers tweet and text all night long, insulting cast members (yes I know it was all fake), Rosie O’Donnell, political opponents, anybody who questions his assertion that he’s just a “nice guy.” A nice guy whose most iconic image is pointing his finger at people and firing them. Finger-firing them?

Just imaging all the thing Trump can do with his fingers when he’s President.

Honorable Mention (the rest):

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Rick Santorum- Shiny Forehead, Mike Huckabee- Puffy Dimples, Scott Walker- Flaccid Penis