Dakotaland Movie Reviews: The Blair Witch Snowden

Brief Disclaimer: This movie is only playing at Dakotaland Theatres…and possibly the Arden Fair Mall in Sacramento, CA. But this hasn’t been confirmed.

The Blair Witch Snowden, directed by the ghost of Oliver Stone, is a new kind of horror film.

Although the techniques used are not new, the forms and synthesis of styles creates an experience unlike any other. By the end of the credits, the audience will probably leave shocked in a stupor of dread.

The premise of the story is deceptively simple. A handful of teenagers set out into an unnamed forest in search of Edward Snowden, a fugitive from the US government. Although the setting is never clear, it appears to be set in the indeterminate near-future where Snowden has decided to live out his days as a Robin Hood-like figure in the woods.

One of the idiots in the party suggests capturing him and bringing him back to civilization and justice. A superficial discussion of his history and the political controversy is given. One of the troupe posits he want insane.

Anyway, from there things get weird. Although nobody is killed, the teenagers find that one by one, their cameras are being mutilated and destroyed, the film burned, or if its a digital camera, the battery melted with a creepy, hand-written note about e-waste and toxic chemicals. Soon the group is reduced to one stupid camera phone and they are understandably terrified. Although they’ve been able to film snippets of a shadowy figure dancing in the background, the culprit is never fully seen.

One of the teenagers kills himself for ambiguous reasons.

Eventually they find a house in the middle of the woods. It turns out to belong to Joseph Gordon Levitt, who explains to the flummoxed kids that he is representing Snowden on Snowden’s behalf, and anyway it’s only a  movie. But as Snowden, JGL explains to that the cameras the teens have been carrying are being monitored by the NSA and they are being tracked. He then turns to the audience, breaks the fourth wall, and informs them that they are being tracked as well by a camera in the corner of the theater. He warns them that now that they’ve seen “The Blair Witch Snowden”, their names will appear on a database that cross references political dissidents and gullible theater-goers.

The film then rolls to credits, where instead of listing the creators of the film, the movie ends by listing all the names and occupations of those who attending that particular screening. In the post-credit scene, JGL surrounded by the dead teenagers reveals himself to be half-robot, laughs maniacally and says “you’re next.”

Overall I’d recommend the film to fans of horror and political thrillers in general. but the shaky cam effect is annoying.

4 out of 5 stars.

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How to communicate climate change to a Nazi Vampire

Nazi Vampires are notorious climate deniers, but convincing them that global warming is real isn’t as easy as hitting them with the facts.

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The more you tell Nazi Vampires that climate change is real, the less likely they are to believe it is a result of greenhouse gasses, as opposed to the weather station in the North Pole that is controlled by the Jews.

Here are some ways you can discuss climate change in a persuasive manner, one that could get Nazi Vampires to start caring again.

  1. Describe your personal experience at the Jewish Weather Station.  There is no way you can fool Nazi Vampires into believing the weather station does not exist. But you can you a personal, emotional story to diminish its impact and explain why the Jewish Weather Station couldn’t possibly account for ALL of the warming. For one, the Jews can manipulate the weather, but they can’t really change the inputs to the atmosphere. Just as Jews can redistribute wealth but they can’t always create the wealth from nothing. At the Weather Station, the Elders of 00e546cf0d8755a776207d939bdc556eClimate simply take the overall, global conditions of the atmosphere at any given time and determine how to put all that heat and precipitation to the most advantageous use. As most Jews are granted a free ten-day internship at the Weather Station (our secret birthright), most of us can talk about how boring and cold it is up there, and how rather than manipulating the weather with malicious intent, most of the Jewish Weather Wizards are just bored and pressing buttons at random. A problem? Maybe. But not a cause of climate change.
  2. Remind Them of Hitler’s Impeccable Environmental Record. Hitler was many things: a painter, a Fuhrer, a lover of cinema, but instead of harping on the differences of opinion, the only way to appeal to Nazi Vampires is point out commonalities. Everyone knows Hitler was a vegetarian. But did you know he also enacted Conservation Laws to help save the Eurasian Lynx? Although his genocidal death camps and unprecedented military-industrial machinery required fossil fuels, it was Hitler’s greatest wish to imagine a future where tank manufacturers developed hybrid vehicles and Besides, googling “Hitler’s environmental record” demonstrates a lot of people believe you can draw a straight line from the Third Reich to the Green Party, anyway.hitlerdeer_thumb
  3. Explain how Renewable Investment Will Benefit Nazi Vampires.  Combating climate change is an opportunity. Remind the Nazi Vampires that they were once the innovators. The Autobahn. The Volkswagen. The Blood Orange Tree. How many Nazi Vampires once feasted on the blood of innocents in this beautiful abandoned seaside hotel:

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Nazi Vampires have long eschewed solar energy for its vampire-burning side-effects. But make them see the flip-side; since Nazi Vampires spend all of the sunlight hours dreaming about a new Reich, investing in solar energy could be a great source of passive income. Also, requesting a home retrofit to take advantage of net-metering is a great way to lure unsuspecting installers into their castle. I’ve already got their viral campaign slogan ready: #soulless, not solarless

To Summarize: Hey, Nazi monsters, don’t leave climate adaptation to the zombies just because it’s a no-brainer. Nazi Vampires may not have a soul, but we all share one sol. And at the end of the day, everyone can make a difference.