####################, Je Deteste

(by Aaron Dorman)

‪#‎As‬ ‪#‎Gregor‬ ‪#‎Samsa‬ ‪#‎awoke‬ ‪#‎one‬ ‪#‎morning‬ ‪#‎from‬ ‪#‎uneasy‬ ‪#‎dreams‬‪#‎he‬ ‪#‎found‬ ‪#‎his‬ ‪#‎story‬ ‪#‎transformed‬ ‪#‎and‬ ‪#‎cluttered‬ ‪#‎by‬ ‪#‎useless‬‪#‎annoying‬ ‪#‎hashtags‬, ‪#‎caught‬ ‪#‎in‬ ‪#‎the‬ ‪#‎web‬ ‪#‎of‬ #the #’global‪#‎conversation‬‪#‎like‬ ‪#‎a‬ ‪#‎gigantic‬ #insect.” #GregorSamsa #hashtagKafka #yesallhashtagstwitter-hashtags

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To Mock a Mockingbird Sequel

Atticus Finch- a crazy racist?

atticus-finch

http://www.avclub.com/review/go-set-watchman-mixed-bag-nostalgia-and-end-childh-222469

YAWN

If you had read “To Kill a Mockingbird” Closely enough the first time for the subtext, it was obvious what direction Harper Lee was going in with the Mockingbird Saga. Where else could it go. So when her literary executors went above and beyond her wishes once she reached semi-senility, I consider this a brave choice, a far more daring turn than, for instance, JK Rowling’s half-assed assertion that Dumbledore was gay within the story confines of Harry Potter but not the text. 

In fact while looking for some more untapped literary classics inside my refrigerator I discovered six more manuscripts detailing the complete and unfathomably epic character arc of Atticus Finch, a saga whose genius plotting ranks somewhere between Jon Snow and John Connor (so perhaps equivalent to John Stamos). Right now we’re just at the tip of the iceberg. Here’s what to expect from the next “Mockingbird” Installments

(oh yeah, spoiler alert and shit)

Phase III- Atticus Finch Travels Through Time

Atticus Finch, hell bent on returning to the Antebellum South where racial reform is, discovers that by hiding in a dark patch of cotton in the old McGeary Plantation, or perhaps the root cellar, he can travel to any point in the past that he wishes. Unfortunately, by altering the space time continuum, everything has changed. Jem and Scout are no longer born and the Civil War dragged on until 1878. Abraham Lincoln is never killed and the Klu Klux Klan never develops outside of Pulaski, and that place is pretty lame.

Atticus-Finch (1)

To his great consternation and shame, Atticus Finch tries to return to the ‘present’ only to discover himself now working as a stenographer for his one-time nanny helper, Calpurnia, who is a formidable legal attorney and real estate mogul  in the now progressive and desegregated Montgomery metro area. Faced with these troubled and changing times, his friends either no longer in existence or changed beyond recognition, Atticus is forced to embrace culture change and begins a kinky love affair with Boo Radley, who in this timeline is kind of a pervert but in a fun way.

Phase IV- Atticus Finch Becomes a Woman

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The year is 1979. Due to the crazy rules and mysterious revelations of space-time, Atticus discovers he is again due to litigate an important trial which will touch on the prejudice of the citizenry, only this time he is defending not a black man but a transgender person convicted of community organizing or perhaps flag burning, something everyone knows is dubious but only Atticus is willing to call shenanigans on the whole thing. Not content to merely represent justice or take the case through the appeals process, Atticus decides to more fully embrace his responsibility as a beacon of tolerance and becomes a woman himself. This also allows him to sign a book deal and make a music video and create a marketable brand, setting the stage for an epic dance-off in the county jail following the conviction, but don’t worry it’s a happy ending the sentence is commuted.

Also, having bore no children in this timeline, Scout is now a doll Atticus keeps in the attic and talks to when things get lonely.

creepy-doll-weird

Also, Atticus is now Patricia.

Phase V- Patricia Finch Becomes a Cyborg 

Flash forward to 1993, when Patricia Finch is now an elderly and dying matriarch but wealthy beyond her wildest dreams. Boo Radley, who is a jealous and untrusting lover, angrily donates her decomposing body to a local biotech research lab where she is retrofitted with bionic parts and some digital additions with the intended purpose of serving the nefarious aims of the government or the Jews, but we all know that the human heart will throw a wrench into even the best laid plans to control technology and FinchBot 3000 has their own intentions, which includes protecting all the mockingbirds (this, FinchBot discovers, was their ultimate programmable purpose) even if it means eliminating all of the human race. After scorching rural Alabama and laying siege to…Mobile? whatever…a temporary truce is reached where a sizeable sample population of mockingbirds is given a comfortable haven in the San Diego zoo.

FinchBot, suspicious of humans and ambivalent about its own destructive nature, becomes the reclusive Mockingbird Manbot of Alcatraz.

to-kill-a-mockingbirdchase-through-time-with-robert-duvall

Phase VI- FinchBot 3000 But Also Must Confront Their Greatest Nemesis Yet…

Having now been gifted with eternal life and ultimate wisdom and eyes that shoot lasers, FinchBot consorts with the government to use advanced cloning and stem cell technology and produces Jem and Scout in vitro to raise in the future, so as to relive the joys of his/her/their past life before time travel and civil rights. Unfortunately, 6-year-old Gem rejects the cold parentage of her robot caretaker and leads a vendetta against artificial intelligence and, much to FinchBot’s dismay, has the power to call and control mockingbirds, using them to kill indiscriminately in a sick and unfortunate twist on the original premise.

“It’s a sin to kill a mockingbird,” Gem declares, “but a greater sin not to use mockingbirds to kill.”

Miss Maudie concurs, saying “mockingbird don’t do one thing but make but make music for us to enjoy…and also rip our hearts out for us with their terrible, terrible claws.”

As in “Watchmen”, Scout has a sudden heart attack on page 63 and is never mentioned again.

Phase VII- FinchBot 3000 Discovers It Was All A Dream

atticus-and-kids

Atticus wakes up. The year is 1933. It was all dream. It is the day of the trial. Confused and distraught, Atticus Finch assesses his own internal moral compass and decides that while he probably does support institutional racism more than he’s comfortable with and probably harbors irrational prejudices pressed into him by society since birth, he supports swift integration of African Americans into southern society and doesn’t anticipate his transformation into a crazy racist dixiecrat after all. He goes outside to play catch with Gem and Scout. However, under his bed lies a broken computer chip for FinchBot 3000 as well as a spinning top which does not lose momentum even on the final sentence of the last page…