50 Shades of Dakota

A contract for my next secret lover. 


I have a confession to make. I’m tired of being alone. For months now, I’ve sat in my basement at my computer, starting at pictures of Taylor Swift’s bellybutton or Kendall Jenner’s pimple, wondering why nobody loves me the way I deserve to be loved. It hasn’t been easy living in a word this unfair and incorrect about the way things ought to be. But after browsing through the first floor bookshelf for my roommate’s hidden stash of cocaine, I found, of all things, a book to read, and three hours into “50 Shades of Grey” I discovered why I’ve been in living in DC without so much as a booty call:

I hadn’t written a proper sadomasochistic sex contract.

download (1)


What am embarrassing error. That is, it was an embarrassing error. But good news, ladies, you may be wondering what’s in those pants pockets, and yes, I am happy to see you, but that bulge is actually ten pages of legal documents that I am hoping to offer for signatures in the near future with the goal of securing some dirty kinky fun during those times when I am bored with school, or until I leave this awful city in June.

In case any of this is too confusing, I refer you here, chapter-11.html, in which Anastasia Steele fishes through an envelope she has received and discovers an opportunity for the “Submissive to explore her sensuality and her limits safely, with due respect and regard for her needs, her limits and her wellbeing.”

Translation: PLEASURE BALLS!!!!!


So faster than you can say the safe word, I set out to complete a binding agreement with myself, the Dominant, and “you”, the Submissive, which could be “you” the reader, I suppose, but also is most likely the pejorative “you”, since I’m open to just about anyone and anything.

A complete version of my own personal safety contract will soon be available in PDF format for $7.95 (bitcoins accepted), but for now I will agree to share with you the highlights so you get a better idea of the kinds of expectations I have with a future partner.

Are you ready? Okay: Mr. Dunlap McKee will see you now.


1.Obedience: The Submissive will obey any instructions given by the Dominant immediately without hesitation or reservation and in an expeditious manner. The Submissive will agree without hesitation to any sexual activity deemed fit and pleasurable by the Dominant without hesitation excepting those activities which are outlined in hard limits (Appendix 2, please read without hesitation). She will do so eagerly and without hesitation.


2. Sleep: The Submissive will ensure she achieves a minimum of eight hours sleep a night when she is not with the Dominant. When she is with the Dominant, the Submissive will ensure HE achieves a minimum of 12 hours of sleep a night, during which the Submissive can do whatever the fuck she wants.

3. Food: The Submissive shall agree to eat cake no more than once every three weeks and agree to participate in Meatless Mondays (tm?) since the Dominant feels excessive meat production in this country is harmful for the environment.


4. Clothes: The Submissive will agree only to wear clothing provided by the Submissive since the Dominant does not shop for clothing. The Submissive will agree to shop for clothing for the Dominant. The Submissive will agree to never shop for clothing at Abercrombie and Fitch since the owner of that store is a douchebag. The Submissive shall wear adornments as required by the Dominant in the presence of the Dominant or at any other time, which may or may not include the following items:

  • Handcuffs
  • Cufflinks
  • Handcuff Earings
  • Handcuffed Cufflinks
  • Button-down Shoes
  • Leather Socks
  • Sequin Pink Knitted Winter Hats
  • Silk Scarves
  • Pajamas
  • Strapless bras
  • Comfortably fitting thongs made out of synthetic but eco-friendly materials
  • Wrist bracelets and Diamond Jewelry (accepting for a budget of less than $10,000)
  • Sexy Sunglasses
  • Dresses that are titillating but never monochromatic 
  • Kinky shit we will find when shopping at Target
  • (the list goes on in the actual contract)

The Submissive will accept and agree to acknowledge without hesitation the fact that the Dominant does not know much about acceptably demeaning except for what he read in Chapter 11 of “Fifty Shades of Grey.”

5. Exercise: The Submissive shall agree to go to the gym every day and also coerce and cajole the Dominant into going with her since the Dominant hates going to the gym.

6.Roles For the purposes of role playing the Submissive shall become familiar with all the films in the oeuvre of Lars Von Trier as well as some by Peter Jackson since he’s made good ones too. Dominant shall take responsibility for the well-being, proper training, and guidance of the Submissive through rigorous sessions divining tarot fortunes. He shall decide the nature of such training (probably flash cards), guidance (I’ll download some PDFs), and discipline and the time and place of its administration, subject to the agreed terms, limitations and safety procedures set out in this contract or agreed additionally under clause 3 above.

6A. More on Roles The Submissive shall agree to at certain times swap roles, becoming the Dominant and hurting and humiliating the Dominant who is now the Submissive with horse whips and steel tipped boots, and also agreeing on a mutual safe word in case the Dominant is no longer comfortable being the submissive or the Submissive is no longer comfortable being the Dominant.


7. Diseases The Dominant and the Submissive each warrant that they suffer from no sexual, serious, infectious or life-threatening illnesses including but not limited to HIV, Herpes and Hepatitis and then also scabies or syphilis or HPV and genital warts neither nor Mucopurulent Cervicitis and especially nothing near lymphogranuloma venereum, admitting that this last one is pretty uncommon.


157-2. Action Verbs The Submissive shall accept whippings, creamings, floggings, spankings, wankings, thankings, bankings, baseball games, caning, canoeing, paddling, snuggling, cuddling, canoodling, fornicating, vegan baking and/or any other discipline the Dominant should decide to administer, without hesitation, enquiry or complaint. Even and especially home karaoke sessions.



4,372-15A. Safeword  In such circumstances related to (section 87-R/C24), the Submissive may make use of a safeword (“The Safeword (s)”). Two Safewords will be invoked depending on the severity of the demands:

The Safeword “Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious” will be used to bring to the attention of the Dominant that the Submissive is close to her limit of endurance.


The Safeword(s) “A long, long time ago I can still remember how that music used to make me smile And I knew if I had my chance That I could make those people dance And maybe they’d be happy for a while But February made me shiver With every paper I’d deliver Bad news on the doorstep I couldn’t take one more step I can’t remember if I cried When I read about his widowed bride But something touched me deep inside The day the music died So bye-bye, Miss American Pie Drove my Chevy to the levee, but the levee was dry And them good old boys were drinkin’ whiskey in Rye Singin’ “This’ll be the day that I die This’ll be the day that I die” Did you write the book of love And do you have faith in God above If the Bible tells you so? Now do you believe in rock and roll? Can music save your mortal soul, And can you teach me how to dance real slow?” will be used to bring to the attention of the Dominant that the Submissive cannot tolerate any further demands. When these words are said the Dominant’s action will cease completely with immediate effect. And the Submissive will be thankful the Dominant did not demand the entire song.


We the undersigned have read and understood fully the provisions of this contract. We freely accept the terms of this contract and have acknowledged this by our signatures below. Daddie’s hungry (and if that last line is too much, let me point out that it is very likely my father is hungry right now and wants to eat at least a dessert snack, and that you were reading way too much into it).