This past week I became “internet famous.” My blog was so popular and provocative that I was even threatened with lawsuits and defamation! The reason: people were angry over the apparently misleading post purporting to relay a message from Stephen Hawking on the ice bucket challenge.
The sleuths on the internet concluding that I had not, in fact, had any contact with Mr. Hawking and that I had written the entire post myself.
The truth? Well, here’s half of it: Stephen Hawking did in fact write a guest blog post. The problem and source of confusion seems to be that people failed to realize it wasn’t THE Stephen Hawking, the famous scientist and inspiring survivor of ALS. No, my post just came from another Stephen Hawking, a Mr. Hawking who teaches physics at a local high school in Silver Spring.
Steve has admittedly never had to deal with a condition as traumatic and life changing as ALS, nor has he ever been gifted with fame or brilliant thoughts which change alter humanity’s understanding of our place in the Universe. He has, however, been cursed with bearing the name of someone which constantly reminds him of his inadequacy, which, while not a true tragedy, is still deserving of our sympathy and understanding.
Here are some other normal people with famous names who are just trying to make their way in the world.
Mr. Potter has been serving as principal of Crown Heights high school in the Bronx for nearly twenty years, well before people associated his name with the famous wizard of Hogwarts. Unfortunately, Principal Potter has a terrible British accent and his soothing baritone/bass voice is much better suited to dealing with unruly teenagers than it is to conjuring spells. Mr. Potter considers himself to be a stern but compassionate authority, and has approached his recently ironic namesake with good humor and humility. He’s halfway through “the Prisoner of Azkaban”, and, to be honest, he identifies more with Professor McGonagall.
Selena Gomez may or may not have arrived in Chula Vista with legal documentation, and she’s just trying to pay the bills and get her kids into a good kindergarten. Is she taking jobs away from hard working Americans? That’s something you’ll have to ask her…in Spanish, because she’s not yet bilingual. Her skills are merely adequate, but what do want from her? If you’re wealthy enough to afford someone to clean your toilet and take care of your personal messes so you don’t have to, you shouldn’t complain and instead should probably be much more grateful than you are that you are lucky enough to employ an indentured servant. Mrs. Gomez, for her part, can’t figure out why a 14-year-old girl is considered a sex icon in an America that also has a paranoid fixation with perverts and predators. It’s something she thinks about on the drive back to Escondido.
Colonel Sanders only uses six ‘secret’ spices in his Hamburger Helper easybake, but it’s no secret that he is a competent and valued satellite communications expert in his department at the Pentagon. On certain weeknights Mr. Sanders likes to play free poker in Clarendon and then get down at a nearby bar for trivia and/or karaoke. He doesn’t talk about his work much, mostly because it’s boring and you probably wouldn’t understand anyway. The Colonel has been happily dating for five years now. When he does finally decide to pop the question, it will certainly NOT take place at KFC. Although he does give in to deep-fried, HGH-injected temptation from time to time. And he’s just too modest to ask for a discount.
Part of the ‘Crooked Liars’ biker gang which bases itself out of Shiprock, New Mexico, Rick Nixon has never been impeached but he has been arrested seven times and is currently on parole for a variety of felonies, including petty theft and battery assault, but never listening secretly on meetings of an opposing political party. At age 43, you might not have Rick to kick around anymore, as he’s finally started to think about settling down with a family, or maybe he’ll become a vegetarian before his diet completely destroys his body. Still, fuck the police. When the biker gang does it, that means its not illegal.
Dr. Cube prides himself on being the best dentist in all of Howard County. At first, he was all like, I don’t know if I am gonna make it through med school, what if I want to be a nutrition specialist, and then he was all like, wow I get paid to help people improve their smile. And he gets all the free toothpaste he wants. That’s really all there is to say.
Unlike the anonymous philanthropist and business woman, this Kim Kardashian just appears to be your typical big-bottomed publicity whore. It doesn’t appear as if this Kardashian has any sort of regular employment, although you can buy her calendar (??) on amazon, proof that there is still a deserved stigma around self-publishing. From what I could tell, this woman would look nicer with a little less makeup and a lot less surgical enhancement. I wonder what her personality is like.