Landmark Smackdown: Jefferson Vs. Lincoln Memorials

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They both look like they were cribbed from Classical Times, and they both celebrate famous American Presidents. (Editor’s note: apparently the Jeff is classified as “neoclassical” but the Abe is “Greek revival.” Is this a Rome/Greece thing? Because round = like the Pantheon? I don’t know, but I do know that if I was making a list of top American landmarks, neither of these guys would make the top ten) But if you were an Asian tourist and the bus left for Dulles airport in 20 minutes, which would you choose to visit?

Analysis:

Sex Appeal:  Lincoln was never really a hit with the ladies. The tall gangly lawyer was ugly until an eleven-year-old girl told him to grow facial hair. Jefferson? He fucked everything. He fucked his wife. He fucked his slaves. He fucked the corpse of John Locke and made him like it. Tommy boy couldn’t have gotten all that 18th century love without a reasonably symmetrical body.

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Location: If the statue of Lincoln came alive, he’d be able to wade into the reflecting pool, grab a snack at a nearby vendor, wander up towards Foggy Bottom or get arrested in front of the White House. Jefferson unfortunately isn’t really close to anything. He could ride the paddle boats and get attacked by ducks, but he’s really only within walking distance of the Holocaust Museum.

Speeches: Jefferson cribbed all his speeches from other famous people. Lincoln at least wrote his own material, and some of it was pretty good.

Special Effects: Neither statue is an animatronic, which is very disappointing. The lighting in the Lincoln Memorial is poor, but there are public restrooms.

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Paranoia: The base of the Lincoln Memorial, beneath the statue, is clearly a hideout for the Freemasons. No such clandestine utility is discernible for the Jefferson Memorial, which makes it either vastly inferior…or vastly more discrete.

WINNER:

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Judge for yourself.

 

 

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How to Make Love to a Woman In Less Than Seven Text Messages

SORRY LADIES, THIS POST IS JUST FOR THE MEN. MAYBE YOU SHOULD TRY THIS INSTEAD: http://www.jfwobgyn.com/

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Now, men: I’m about to share with you some pretty powerful stuff. You can use this to a variety of purposes. With great power comes great women, but remember, there are no guarantees here. Which is not to say my method isn’t perfected. It is. But you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him put on a condom, ya know? If you find you can’t duplicate my results, the fault lies with YOU. And that’s not my problem. But if you’re ready to change yourself AND change fix your game, then I can help.

Going out on the weekends is tedious and intimidating. It’s just a sea of young men and women trying to accomplishment many of the same things. This wasn’t always the case but someone I know gave out Sign-of-the-Whale VIP cards to FUCKING EVERYONE and so now everyone in the Golden Triangle of Washington DC thinks they’re hot shit.

Now listen carefully: You don’t have to leave your house to score the chick. That’s right, you can get the girl from the comfort of your own living room couch, and I’m not talking about any pricey services. If you have a phone number, then instead of braving the urban heat island effect, you can make the women come to you. All you need is a phone…and these simple, but life changing steps. 000lazytextmain

Ask her to kiss you through the phone. Rookie texters always act too coy. Don’t play games; let your target woman know what’s up. Tell her that you miss her and you want to get with her. And don’t give her a choice: tell her that you’re gonna “see her later on.” Wait until she responds; if she kisses you through the phone, you’re good to proceed. If not, give up immediately. She’s not worth it.

Tell a subversive joke. Women like jokes. For some reason if you tell them something clever and insightful, they’ll respond positively. But also use the joke to remind them what they could be getting…if they took a cab to your place. Here’s a good example: “Why did the chicken cross the road? Because my house was on the other side and the chicken wanted my sexy body.” However…

Don’t use the f-word until message no. 3. Start out a little romantic, and steadily progress down into the mud. Tease her a little, put the hooks in, but BE PATIENT. Also, no dick pics. No pics at all. Use your texts. Don’t give her anything that would let her stay out longer. If at this point she’s still holding back, go for the kill:

Let her know who you could be having sex with if you really wanted to. A good example text message: “Guess i’m just going to have to shell out $500 and fuck that Rachael Ray lookalike I met on tinder.”

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Disparage her for going out on weekends. Something along the lines of like: “Haha how’s that crowded bar you’re in right now? How was the metro tonight? Did you enjoy grinding up against random sweaty people on the red line? Did you enjoy your $12 bud lite? Sry if I mispel som words I’m drinking my craft beer and watching youtbe while I typ.”

Use her real name. This is key. Women can’t resist a man who remembers their name. It’s a sign of high value in a man. If her name is Loretta, call her Loretta. If her name is Danielle, call her Danielle. If her name is Bambi, you probably don’t know her real name. If her name is Dakota, you shouldn’t be trying to get with her because it’s probably a 26-year-old man catfishing you.

Be aggressive, not an aggressor. Be strong, but dial it up to around 8.7 and keep it there. Be dominant, not dominating. Let her know that you’ll stop at nothing to get her to take a cab back to your place…except take a cab out yourself to her place. A good rule of thumb: Spread your texts out over 90 seconds. If she responds, wait 67 seconds. Why that number? Because I studied this. And that’s what women want.

It’s not about not taking no for an answer. It’s about not even considering that no could be an answer. Don’t think about the answer at all. Life is not about answers. It’s about action. Initiative. Successful Texting. 

Final reminders:

No emoticons… except this one, if you have a mustache:  ; [D

Remind her how awesome you are.

And if all else fails…

Type this into your phone:

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Are you ready to be the full you from the comfort of your own living room? OKAY: GO!!!

The Best Gay Bars in Crystal City

Last Saturday I was in Crystal City, a housing and retail complex in Arlington near the airport, which features a huge underground tunnel so you can shop and eat and even see at a production at Synectic Theater and never see the sun.

Here are the area’s best gay bars:

1. Freddie’s Beach Bar

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Let’s break it down:

Food and Drink: I didn’t eat anything and spent $39.97 on cheap liquor. The bartender said Sambucca would be good for my throat, but when I sang, I still couldn’t hit the high notes in “Baby.” Three Rainbows

The Boys: The boys were pretty decent. The bartenders were jacked and clean shaven, for the most part, but pretty macho, so if they were gay, and they are, they exhibited it in an American Eagle kind of way. I’m okay with that. Most of the guys just kept to themselves and ignored me, which is a disappointing hit to my ego. People seemed pretty laid back, there was nobody doing drugs in the bathroom. Maybe things got hot and heavy after 1 am. But then again, it’s Crystal City, one of the yuppiest places in the country. Seven Rainbows

The Girls: What girls. Negative Thirteen Rainbows

The Karaoke: A decent selection, but more importantly, the DJ could find any song, within reason, that wasn’t already on the list, and upload it. The people were pretty good. Only thing I didn’t like was that some songs had a back track singing the melody if you screwed up. Safety nets are for assholes. A solid number of rainbows

Overview: Fun bar, bad location. Would go there with friends, wouldn’t go there if I wasn’t stuck in Crystal Shitty. Also, the idea that gay bars are a good place to find straight girls is a pretty dumb, and I supposed already-sufficiently debunked myth. Girls go to gay bars to be with their gay friends. Which is the same reason I would go too, I guess. You’re not getting lucky at Freddie’s Beach Bar. And if you are, don’t tell me, I’m going to get upset.

2. Buffalo Wild Wings

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Food and Drink: they serve microwaved chicken nuggets in a greasy cardboard tray. Ten Dead Buffaloes

The Boys: No drag queens, but to be honest, I wasn’t really paying attention. ??? Dead Buffaloes

The Girls: Cute wait staff, maybe? No stand outs. I wouldn’t take a date here. ??? Dead Buffaloes

The Poker Machine: As befits a tacky, trendy chain restaurant, while you are eating, you can get a free hand-held device which lets you play video games live with the other patrons. Some of the games even show up on a big-screen TV somewhere in room. So if you are trying to distract yourself from the fumes coming from your food, you can watch people you don’t know and don’t care about playing free poker, with stupid avatar names like “Scar” and “Obama”. I tried this for five minutes and got bored, mostly because you can’t use any inappropriate aliases. Zero Dead Buffaloes

Overview: Buffalo Wild Wings is a fucking plague. I would lock my enemies inside in a heartbeat. 652 Wild Wings and Counting. What. The. Hell. 

A Brief Consideration of Mustaches

Just to get something up this week:

Usually I get a compliment or two a week about my mustache, from random people on the subway or the writers in Columbia Heights who now know me as “Dakota” (again). The guy I beat in poker last week in Clarendon hates my mustache, but I don’t know why.

Anyway, all of that is fine, however, some people have made some mustache mistakes in my presence. And while this small clarification won’t correct them, it will help ease some of my personal pain.

This is not a pedostache. 

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A pedostache can have several different styles but it never goes below the upper lip.  I’m also not sure when a mustache crosses the line into becoming a pedostache. Some would say its a matter of a lack of regular grooming, however a pencil mustache takes a bit of time to fix.

People seem to just like to characterize a pedostache as a mustache that they don’t like, but that is a lazy and careless decision to make. Also, if you tell someone they have a pedostache and it turns out they’re not a pedophile at all, just a regular kind of person, you’ve made an enemy for life.

And besides, I’m not even sure if pedophiles have these mustaches anymore. They’ve adapted and assimilated. No more mustaches, no more ice cream trucks. The new pedophile just wears a bear costume all day.

This is not a fu man chu.

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The fu man chu mustache goes below the chin. Sometimes well below the chin. If the mustache stops at the bottom of the face, then it is actually a horseshoe mustache

This should be easy to figure out after the first time you’re kidnapped by a Chinese biker gang.

This is not a mustache.

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It’s just a card with a mustache drawn onto it.

It’s not even mine. The mustache belongs to Mike Piazza, or probably somebody else in the “Famous Old Timers” mustache game deck.

 

Best Parking Garages in Washington DC

There is a lot of literature and tourism material you can digest about our nation’s capital. That makes it difficult to write a meaningful post about my DC experiences which can convey an authentic feeling of discovery and expertise about the city. And yet I believe I have found a niche which has yet to be covered in any travel publication; a comprehensive review of our great city’s parking garages.

Although I sold my car last year, that hasn’t stopped me from doing the necessary research. I’ve ridden around in cars with friends, walked around in empty lots, taken in the view from upper levels, smelled the concrete for signs of wear and erosion. Here I have identified what I consider to be the cream of the crop, for all budget levels:

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Nationals Ballpark Parking Garage

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The official parking garage of the Washington Nationals.

This a great parking lot if you are coming in from out of town and need to find a convenient location near Nationals Ballpark and the surrounding area. The upper levels provide great views of the Anacostia River and the Ben Chili’s bowl located on the upper tier of the stadium.

Although the price is expensive, the lots are kept clean and really, if you’re going to spend $9 for a Coors Lite why not splurge on a $50 parking space as well? You can also probably purchase a multi-trip Parking Pass to get cheaper rates if you plan on return visits.

Amenities include giant steel baseballs, adjacent ticket window, and elevators down to street level.

Parking Lot at 17th and L Street

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A “unique venue” located in the heart of downtown, this lot is within walking distance of a number of tourist attractions, including the White House, DuPont Circle, Farragut Square, Washington Circle, Thomas Circle, Franklin Square and a nearby Cosi.

The modernist architecture includes a spiral ramp in the center and the off-white facade doesn’t stain or spoil during spring rain showers. You pay for friendly service, as the gate staff is happy to assist you in finding the right spot on your windshield for the parking stub (all lots are non-smoking as well).

Rumors are this historic site is occasionally haunted by the ghosts of famous locals like James A Garfield and Chris Matthews.

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Franconia Springfield Metro Garage

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Convenient metro access and the white barrier fencing was designed by urban development architect Emmanuel Stephens.

This parking garage is kid-friendly, pet-friendly and for those of you who care about these things, lies just outside the Beltway. The glassed-in elevator bank goes all the way up to the fifth level.

Amenities include a trash-bin, recycling bin, local newspaper, Citypaper, a red box, a yellow box, something labelled “express”, a black box, and then some more boxes, one of which might carry the Washington Post.

Exiting vehicles must yield for pedestrian traffic.

Sibley Hospital Parking Garage

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The no-frills open air design provides great views of the hospital complex, which provides service to Northwest DC and the surrounding area. Visitors can choose to park on one of the garage levels, or, if there is room, can find a space on the ground level lot below.

In the newer building, there’s an Au bon Pain and somewhere on the campus there’s probably a cafeteria.

As the best spots are reserved well ahead of time by hospital staff, this is probably an option best left for those who are visiting people at the hospital, or nearby friends in residential homes who probably work at an embassy.

The left side has great views of the nearby water treatment plant on the Maryland side of the border.

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American University Students Parking Garage

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If you’re a college student looking to avoid the pain in your wallet from shelling out $500 for the permanent parking access across the street, this is a great option. Located behind the Mary Graydon student center and across from the athletic center, this garage is the third tallest structure on campus and the “tunnel” directly below, with a Starbucks and “Eagle’s Nest”, is an important hub for campus life.

Ask your gate operator about shuttle service to historic Tenleytown and Ward Circle Park, a pile of grass in the middle of one of DC’s most adorably convoluted traffic rings.

Honorable Mention:

PMS Parking Garage in nearby Baltimore is about 45 minutes from DC proper but has a funny name.

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