Mapping My Matzoh Pie



Early in March I began building what would later become a 3-dimensional (and edible) representation of my mythical birth place, DAKOTALAND:


Dakotaland is a magical place located in the realm of the Great Pan, surrounded on four sides by a holy and impenetrable wall. Beyond the wall lie the WHITE LANDLORDS, great men who wish to vanquish all living things within and without the Great Pan. Only their guardian and cowboy wizard, Dakota McKee, can forestall the coming doom.

Let’s take a tour, shall we? We will start out in DORMAN HARBOR, that white city tucked just below the green cliffs of Tarula’pek. Dorman Harbor is a great city known for its mighty commerce and above-average baseball team. During our three-day stay, feel free to ride a canoe around the narwhal-infested bay, or cross the water to the fuzzy ice cliffs of BISHONNE POINTE.

After climbing the Jose Reyes Memorial Staircase, through a dense and moldy jungle where all the animals observe the laws of kashrut, one reaches the central plateau of Dakotaland. We are now in the central forest, home of female centaurs, wild shoe trees, drug dealers, and a lawyer named Robyrt.

You always know where you are in Dakotaland because the Gods who carved it out of matzoh meal, cheese and a touch of spinach (this is all just a story we tell to children) conveniently cut out deep gorges at right angles every Dakotaleague, forming a geographical grid.

As you wander around the forest, watch out for the groves full of bloode oranjes. They are tart like grapefruit but a good deal sweeter, and a great deal bloodier. Sample their juices if you dare. $6.95/bottle, Dakota Dolhers only.

Crossing through the forest to the east we reach the brown mountains of Georgetown, home of the bicurious Kee Kee monsters. Kee Kee monsters have never been seen long enough for an accurate description, as they run between their day work and the mountains faster than anyone in Dakotaland can say “hello” to them. However, far from being benign, Kee Kee monsters will occasionally run amok in the towns and cities, spoiling the dining halls with heaps of garbage and burnt brownies which were found unsuitable for consumption.

Worst of all, Kee Kee monsters are known for their wild skype calls at three in the morning, mournfully wailing about “Obama’s hair” and other terrifying mysteries of the Universe. Those in Dorman Harbor stay up all night, cowering in fear and preying for headphones.

Enough of the mountains! Let’s head to the desert highlands, the top of Dakotaland and the world. From the desert of Sporegaria you can see everything: the green mold, the dark green mold…whoops, I meant you can see the valleys, the towers of the dark lord, the oil fields, the golf courses, the petting zoo, and the Vampire Elf Collective.

Vampire Elves. Can’t live with e’m, can’t live…just can’t live with ’em. If you get to close they’ll bite and even if you’re across the room they might stare you down and walk away without saying anything nice.

Vampire Elves don’t laugh at your jokes and don’t invite their friends out on your birthday. They leave a pan of oil underneath a burning fire on at all times, the better which to burn lost puppies and children who wander into their layer. This is a big fucking nuisance because as long as the fire is on, the true citizens of Dakotaland cannot celebrate their favorite holiday, a festive meal known as “Dinner.”

Forget the highlands! Let’s go deep underground, into the laundry mines underneath the surface. Diving below the gorges, we see that the thermal vents below Dakotaland make excellent fuel for producing clean clothes and finding extra light bulbs.

Deep within Dakotaland lives the softspoken Techno-mancer, one of the Ancients and a handy computer expert. The Techno-mancer has not been seen since the last waning of the moon and prophecy has it will only return with the coming of the “new arrivals”, a messianic influx whom only the gullible of Dakotaland believe exist.

Well, that pretty much concludes our tour. Check your local bookstores in the coming months for the epic chronicle of Dakotaland’s history, “A Plague of Passive Aggression“, which tells the story about how the six original settlers committed original sin and went their separate ways. Spoiler alert: someone gets punched in the face.

Also check craigslist for affordable housing in downtown DC for August/September.




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