That’s right, people have been throwing the word “porn” around a lot lately in regards to cinema. It makes sense because pornography is at its core a visual medium and so are all the Oscar-nominated films.
So I have tried to come up with a helpful guide for people who like to use video as an impetus for pleasuring themselves. Each Oscar-nominated film this year caters to a niche market of porn enthusiasts. Find out which movie is right for you below:
Wolf of Wall Street: Douchebag Porn
This is a great film to jerk off to. First of all, it’s three hours so you can get hard when Leo is snorting coke out of a stripper’s asshole or when Margot Robie first gets all naked like, and then let your body regenerate a fresh supply of sperm for the ending when Leo tries to make out with his wife’s aunt, or when he gets a divorce and tries to sell pens to people with New Zealand accents. But you should probably bring a soda or bottled water into the movie theater so you don’t get dehydrated.
Also, for a pornographic film it also has a surprising comedic element. I laughed when Leo started throwing lobsters at the FBI agents who can’t afford to buy them because they are poor. Personally, I’m not crazy about lobster, I don’t see what advantages it has over tilapia, a flakier, more savory fish.
But there is no doubt that this movie is just douchebag porn. Mostly this is about people behaving badly, doing things like marrying their cousin or having sex or having a nice dinner at Rao’s, which now sells “homemade” pasta sauces in your local grocery store.
12 Years a Slave: Abolitionist Porn
This movie is just to give people a boner who like to imagine an end to slavery. I’m not making this up. John Derbyshire confirmed it.
So I have a message for people who like to pretend slavery is wrong: grow up. Why don’t you respect states’ rights? This is the way things are in the south. Personally, I don’t know how I feel about slavery, there are lot’s of complicated thoughts on the issue, but at least I RESPECT OTHER PEOPLE’S OPINIONS and don’t try to push an agenda.
Captain Phillips: Gay Porn
This movie is clearly for the homosexuals. I just don’t think that there is any other appeal to a story about Tom Hanks trying to save his crew from Somalian pirates on a boat, dealing with issues like racial tension and the dark side of capitalism and what it means to treasure the American Dream.
I saw the trailer and it looked like there were no women in this movie.
American Hustle: Jennifer Lawrence Porn
Everyone loves J-Law but this film was for those slobbering fools who were tired of watching her play strong female roles where she is independent and feisty so here they get to watch her play a trophy wife, all dolled up and wearing revealing dresses. Which caricature is the real Jennifer? Is she Katniss or…the name of the character in this movie? She can’t be both.
I think Jennifer Lawrence is very pretty. When she was much younger (okay not that much she’s still young) she played a young Charlize Theron in “The Burning Plain” in which she put’s on her mom’s nightie, and then kisses a boy. But that’s not what the film is about. It’s really about Mexicans.
Nebraska: ??????? Porn
I don’t know much about this film, but I do know a little bit about Nebraska. The second largest city is Lincoln. The capital city is also Lincoln. I believe it shares a border with Colorado. Nebraska is considered a “red state” which means in national elections the population tends to vote more for Republicans. Nebraska might have been affected by the Dust Bowl which happened a long time ago.
Philomena: GILF Porn
This movie is just for people who like to masturbate to Judi Dench acting and shit. She’s pretty old now, even for a GILF. But as her acting career has proven, she has a versatile personality.
Steve Coogan is also in this film. He drank coffee and smoked cigarettes in the film “Coffee and Cigarettes”, a funny film by Jim Jarmuschschz.
Dallas Buyers Club: More Gay Porn?
Is that Matthew McKonahay? He was so good in “Contact”! This was a fantastic year for him. He had a cameo as a douchebag gorilla in “Wolf of Wall Street”, he lost 100 pounds so he could be nominated for an Oscar in this film, and he was great as President James Garfield in “Lee Daniels: The Butler”.
I’m not trying to make a mean joke here. I’m pretty sure there is actual gay porn in this film. Jared Leto plays a transvestite.
I would totally be willing to watch this film. But it’s not in theaters anymore.
Her: Mustache Porn
This is a film about a guy with a mustache who falls in love with his computer. Do people even do that anymore?
Does Joaquin Phoenix look sexy with this mustache? I thought he ‘retired’ from acting. But that was just a hoax. Was his not-acting a hoax? What if the real hoax is his acting career?
It was really sad when River Phoenix died. I forget if that was before or after I was born.
Gravity: No Porn, Just Outer Space FUCK YEAH
Space. The final frontier. These are the voyages of the Sandra Bullock star vehicle. It’s five year mission to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilizations. But also to admire how well Sandra Bullock has aged. To boldly go where no man has gone before. Oops watch out for that space debris lol.