2013 in review

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2013 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

A New York City subway train holds 1,200 people. This blog was viewed about 5,100 times in 2013. If it were a NYC subway train, it would take about 4 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.

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The Most Beautiful Parts of Beautiful Women

Today my favorite news organization came out with a picture composed of different lady bits to come up with the ultimate uber-woman, and here was the result:

http://shine.yahoo.com/shine-beauty/perfect-woman–image-is-a-freakish-mashup-fantasy-214809619.html

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Unfortunately, the end product is somewhat lacking. Sure, this ‘perfect woman’ seems datable enough, and if we were both drunk at a party and she was available and I didn’t have to get up in the morning, I’d totally bust a move. But this “dream woman” just doesn’t seem like the type of woman to dream on. And I’m wondering now if that’s because they left out a few essentially body parts.

So here are some extra favorite pieces of favorite ladies that I think would help make make for a more erotically pleasing mash-up. Please note, that this is just my opinion, and no polls were conducted in the process:

Taylor Swift-fingernails

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The thing that makes Swift super-chic is the way she compliments her naturally fulsome lips with matching bodice and nail polish. Getting a good glossy-not-greasy look is key. I love the way her turquoise/blood red ensemble totally plays into the madonna/whore complex. I mean, the turquoise nails look so soft and I just want to gently pat them, but the red nails are just so fucking sexy and I want to bite down on them right now. I mean all this figuratively of course. Or fingeratively.

Rihanna- ankles

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Look at the strength of that woman’s feet. There’s barely even a change in size from her calves to her heel. That’s just insane. She can probably whip her feet back in forth like a hummingbird in the water. I love would to swim with Rihann’s feet. But oh those ankles. I can just picture Chris Brown massaging them as he reads her poetry.

Jennifer Lawrence- small intestine

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Can you imagine how hot it would be to move through Jennifer Lawrence’s digestive tract? J-Law, I want to be your saltine cracker, I want you to melt me with your saliva, to tickle me with your villi, to gently absorb me into your bloodstream. To shit me out again like I meant nothing to you.

Anne Hathaway- side boob

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Although in that dress, ┬áits really more like full boob, just seen from the side. Did you know Myrtle Beach makes for the most convenient business conference destination? So says the pop-up ad when you google “Anne Hathaway” and “side-boob.”

Marion Cotillard- forehead pimple

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Here’s one woman who is not afraid to turn imperfection into her greatest strength. It’s almost as if Marion was born with a bindi, except I don’t know what advantage that would give her in life. But it is truly well placed; if you draw a line through it, you’d see how much it highlights the symmetry of her face. Maybe it’s an on/off button, touch it and Marion opens her mouth and says…something in French.

Emma Watson- collarbone

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I know you’re supposed to keep your eyes above the neck but god it’s hard not to notice how much they stick out. Poor girl, her sweater vests must hardly contain them. It looks like the bust in her dress has a pocket on each side in case they fall off, but I don’t think that’s going to happen. Have you ever told a girl you want to reach out and touch her clavicle? If yes, post your story in the comments below.

Kate Upton- big toe

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Her airbrushed feet are an almost perfect match for her airbrushed dimples. She could easily be a foot model if she wasn’t already a swimsuit model, body model and general model citizen model. I have this fantasy where I’m lying on the beach with Kate Upton and she is wiggling her big toe in my face.

And I’m shouting “ahhh shit there’s sand in my eye!”

I know, it’s a really strange fantasy. But it’s a really beautiful toe.

Selena Gomez- mitochondria

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How does such a tiny girl have such big pipes? I mean, technically she is old enough to vote and graduate college but really, she’s a little too young looking to be sexy. Until you think about how hard her cells must have to work to belt out slightly-below-average country-pop anthems (yeah I have no idea what she actually sings). I am totally willing to bet that she is more efficient at processing oxygen and proteins at the cellular level than you. It’s not just her lungs and diaphragm muscles. This goes deeper than that. Selena’s genetic code is simply built for a stronger machine.

Miley Cyrus- Liam Hemsworth

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The biggest mistake Miley has made in her career to date was the optional Liam Hemsworth reduction surgery she underwent earlier this year. It goes a long way towards explaining why people had such a negative reaction to her recent performances. Miley Cyrus without clothing or Liam Hemsworth is just not as attractive.

Say It Ain’t So, Peeta; Does the ‘Hunger Games’ Promote Cheating in Sports?

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SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT

Last Friday I watched ‘Hunger Games: Catching Fire’ with my family back in North Dakota. Although critics are making superficial comparisons to ‘1984’ and ‘Battle Royale’, the film this most reminded me of was the John Sayles classic ‘Eight Men Out’.

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The big reveal at the end of the film is that Katniss and the audience are told that the fix was in on the 75th annual hunger games, and that at least half of the “champions” were actively trying to throw the games on her behalf.

Naturally, Katniss is shocked and outraged, most likely because as most viewers noted, this mockery of the sport was probably done for the financial gain of gamblers and gangsters living in Pan Em. Presumably the other victors were promised a portion of the winnings and they were all on their way to depositing their money in an offshore bank account dubiously labelled “District 13.”

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Even though this comes as a surprise, in the end, it should have been obvious that the champions in the arena had no concern for the integrity of the event. Some are given mildly humanizing reasons for wanting to throw the hunger games. Like knuckleballer Eddie Ciccotte in 1919, the girl from “Donnie Darko” is clearly disgruntled with her meager earnings from the hunger games she previously won, going so far as to call out President Snow on live television for being a cheapskate. Others, like Jeffrey Wright, seem merely opportunistic in their efforts. His character, “Beetee”, even admits that for him the game is less about killing people then it is about “staying alive”, and it’s pretty disgusting when you realize he’s only a ‘team player’ after the “allies” have already agreed to lose on purpose.

It’s not just the objective, monetary concerns, or the possibility of revolution, that makes this mockery of the hunger games so disconcerting. How can you measure the magnitude of Panem’s disenchantment when they realize that the hunger games were all a sham? That those heroes who they thought were trying their hardest, were actually just going through the motions out of vainglorious self-interest.

Joe Dimaggio once said that he always gave his all because “somewhere out there in the stands is a kid who’s never seen me play before.” (not an exact quote)

Apparently Beetee, Johanna, Finnick and their fellow conspirators don’t give a shit about the fans. They couldn’t care less that there is a whole new generation of children who had not witnessed their previous victories in the hunger games. They are in it for the sponsors, because someone told them so.

I would like to see a deleted scene where President Snow tries to console his grand-daughter, attempting to shield her from the truth that the champions were tainted and the next year’s games will be ‘different.’ (I would also like to see a deleted scene where Peeta and Haymitch follow naked Johanna out of the elevator, leaving Katniss to stand there awkwardly, accompanied by a sad trombone).

Is this film a satire or an allegory? No, I think the director deserves a lot of credit for using this fictional universe to highlight what is wrong with sports today. It seems as if the audience is not necessarily supposed to side with the “victors” in the end, instead, like Katniss, feel disenchanted with the process and distraught over the feeling that she is just a pawn in bigger, more sinister games.

Prior to the games themselves, there is plenty of allusions to PEDs and the dishonorable means athletes resort to to gain an unfair advantage. Two of the champions are dubbed the “morphlings” due to their addiction to banned stimulants. One of the girls is shown with disfigured teeth, like a vampire, which is possibly a ‘hunger games’ equivalent to testicular shrinkage caused by steroids. And what exactly is in that sugar cube Finnick is eating? Do we really think he’d pass a drug test after sucking on that?

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After watching this, I realized that like in the ‘Hunger Games’, we sports fans are currently witnessing all kinds of attacks on athletic integrity, and that the players in today’s events are far more concerned with their own self-image and personal incentive than the greater glory of the game. We thought that Lance Armstrong, Barry Bonds, Marion Jones, et al, were role models. They were nothing of the sort. We are left defending the indefensible, having to apologize for scum like Shawn Merriman only because we invested so much time already in watching them cheat.

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Is there anything to be done about this? Unfortunately, as in real life, the ‘Hunger Games’ offers no easy solutions, other than to point out that the real ‘losers’ are those who unknowingly play alongside the cheating scum, people like Katniss Everdeen who are left to wallow in misery at the unfairness of the world. The plucky underdog. The resourceful utility infielder. They are the ones who are truly crushed by the machinery of modern sports culture.

And of course, the children.

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Lastly, I don’t get the whole Peeta thing. That is, why would anyone hope for Katniss to end up with Miley Cyrus’ dopey ex-fiancee, over ANYONE? Why does that even make sense? Also, how is Katniss not in love with Peeta? The whole time we are told that she is “faking her feelings”, except she constantly looks out for him and tries to keep him safe, and share intimate moments with him, and even snuggles. I guess it’s because they don’t have sex. Katniss can’t possibly love Peeta because they’re not having sex on the train. As far as we know. Those who point out how they (or the actors) are mismatched as a couple because Peeta is too short or they don’t have sex are probably failing at life. But that’s just one Dakota’s opinion.