Dakota’s Dateable Girls MadLibs

There is such an unfair bias in our culture against men. For one thing, why can’t men buy $10 million dollar underwear? I would proudly sport a pair of boxer briefs encrusted with diamonds. Family jewels to protect the “family jewels”!



More to the point, I came across these rules that girls should follow if they want to be dateable. Some heroic asshole has written these up and now they give lectures on it around high schools;


The people behind this are Justin Lookadoo (???) and Hayley DiMarco. This is what they look like:


Now, these are all fine suggestions. I would personally encourage women to be as submissive and disengaging as possible, outside of certain hours and locations.

HOWEVER, the only thing I Hate more than women’s empowerment are RULES, and that’s where these “rules” cross the line. Rules are for the government and fascist college professors. I don’t see any of these rules in the Bible, and that makes them false as hell. FUCK THE RULES.

No seriously, take these rules and fuck them. That’s what Dakota’s gonna do. Presenting “dateable girls madlibs”: take the forced doctrine of these freaky look people, and MAKE YOUR OWN RULES. Dakota’s gonna help. Here we go:


  1. Accept your __________ (female adjective-ness). You’re a ________ (female noun). Be ______ (adjective) of all that means. You are _________ (sexy adjective), you are _________( sexy adjective), you are a woman. Don’t try to be a _____ (male noun). Guys like you because you are __________ (comparative adjective) from/than them. So let your ________(same female adjective as the first time)-ness soar.
  2. _____ (verb) it like it is. Dateable girls don’t _______ (verb) to themselves. They don’t say ________ (shit) like, “His girlfriend just isn’t ________ (adverb) to him, that’s why he’s seeing me on/in the __________(kinky location).” Or “She started it so I’m going to get ________ (cookies).” The Dateable girl let’s _______ (deity) run the world, and tells herself the truth–that all she can control is ___________(noun or pronoun or possessive pronoun). She doesn’t imagine things to be more than they are. But she does imagine __________ (fantasy imagery, preferably narwhals) when she’s asleep.
  3. The sexiest thing on a girl is ________ (sexiest thing you can think of). Girls try so hard to add beauty and sexuality to themselves with _________ (clothing) and ___________ (accessory, which can include makeup but don’t use makeup because that’s in the original rules), but the truth is it’s your ________ (euphemism) that makes you hot. Your outlook on ________ (concept or idea), your __________ (-ness adjective) factor. Dateable girls aren’t _________ (plural noun), they love __________ (any word here is fine).
  4. Girls don’t __________ (action verb fuck yeah) girls, ever. Revenge belongs to ________ (person or deity). Dateable girls know that when they __________ (same action verb) other girls they look _________ (demeaning verb) and __________(EVEN MORE DEMEANING VERB), and guys don’t like it any more than _________ (same person or deity) does.
  5. Believe in your ________ (personal trait). Dateable girl learn how to overcome the sins of _________(period of time) that have been perpetrated on them. They don’t let the _________(evil person) steal their ________(personal trait). _________ (mother and father names) made them, so they know they are __________(positive adjective), even if they don’t feel like it sometimes.
  6. Be ___________(mysterious). Dateable girls know how to ___________(verb, possibly one that deals with being quiet but this is not necessary). They don’t ___________(verb, not “monopolize” because seriously that verb sucks Justin Fuckadoo) the conversation. They don’t tell ________ (group of people) everything about themselves. They save some for __________(meal time). They listen more than they __________(“hip” verb, like ‘fetch’).
  7. ________ (action verb) confident. Dateable girls know that confidence is __________ (adjective). And the cool part is that no one knows if you are _________ (Batgirl) but you ___________ (and Uncle Alfred). Confidence isn’t how you feel, it’s how you __________ (dance style). ________(first action verb) confident and people will think you are _________(batgirl).
  8. Look ‘em in the _________ (body part). Part of being a Dateable girl means you really see __________(people, or same body part). They matter, and if you don’t look them in the ___________  (same body part) then you will never see them and they will never know they matter to you. Look ‘em in the ___________ (same body part). They are valuable.
  9. Let him ___________(action verb). _________ (deity) made guys as ___________ (plural job description). Dateable girls get that and let him do guy things, ____________ (“guy thing”), __________ (“guy thing”). They relax and let guys be ____________(male noun). Which means they don’t ___________ (action, something terrible)!!!
  10. Need _________(something you actually need). Dateable girls know that guys need _________(something guys need really bad, probably deodorant). A Dateable girl isn’t Miss ____________(congeniality). She knows we are made for _________(what are girls made for?). Needing each other is part of _________(religion). She allows him to be _________(past tense verb) at times, knowing he was called to _________ (verb) just as much as she was.

Post your rules in the comments section! Best one wins “a prize”!