Last night I attended a very special screening at my local IMAX 6D Sensory Superplex. I snuck in using my Measured Progress slave badge, they must have thought I was someone in the media. Anyway, a bunch of people were ushered into a theater where a studio executive explained to us that we were about to preview some upcoming films, to help generate advance buzz.
1. POWER RANGERS INTO DARKNESS
In a world torn apart by resource depletion, robot wars and the militarization of space , Ted Williams’ head is grafted onto the body of Ariel Sharon to create the reanimated entity codenamed “Zordon”, a government agent with mysterious motives who must live in a life support containment cell. His plan: recruit the most violent inmates in Angel Grove’s juvenile detention center, use racial profiling to fuel their anger and train them to operate skyscraper-sized high-tech dinosaur mech warrior machines against international terrorists like Bartolome Goldar, who after a nuclear reactor incident has grown to become 300 feet tall.
Is Zordon fueled by patriotism? Or a personal vendetta against the Russian Premier, Rita Repulsa?
IN THE OLD STORY: “Bulk” and “Skull” are a pair of silly high school bullies.
IN THE NEW STORY: They are brutal drug kingpins who enable the Green Ranger’s meth addiction.
FINAL CLIMACTIC MOMENT: After successfully stopping an alien invasion, the Rangers murder Zordon in his sleep and go rogue.
2. PAN OF STEEL
After Somalian pirates kidnap the Darling family, British intelligence prodigy Peter Pan tracks them to the mysterious island of Neverland, a lawless nation embroiled in a civil war between Captain Hook’s pirates, transplanted Native Americans, and “the lost boy’s”, a children’s army who recruited Pan many years ago in his secret past. Gay porn star Tinker Bell is his link back into this dangerous world. Can he save the Darling family before he is drawn back into the savagery?
IN THE OLD STORY: Captain Hook is chased down by a crocodile who swallowed a ticking clock.
IN THE NEW STORY: Captain Hook is hunted by drone missiles.
FINAL CLIMACTIC MOMENT: Pan snaps Captain Hook’s neck…but he’s real sorry about it afterwards.
3. POWER PUFF GIRLS: GROUND ZERO
A government agency sends the power puff girls back in time to infiltrate Al Quaeda and stop 9/11 from happening. Things get complicated when they learn that Israel and/or Mojo Jojo may have been involved after all. Then the power puff girls learn the hard lesson that you can’t stop the past from repeating itself, as the terrorist attacks on the twin towers are now conducted by Fuzzy Lumpkins and the Amoeba Boys. But the knowledge they gained could help them stop another copy-cat attack in the future. Power Puff Girls to the Rescue! Also, never forget 9/11.
IN THE OLD STORY: the power puff girls are role models for young women because they are adorable cartoon characters, or something.
IN THE NEW STORY: the power puff girls are role models for young women because they wear skin tight jump suits and pose as hookers when they need information from the bad guys.
FINAL CLIMACTIC MOMENT: The Empire State Building collapses and the PP girls have to pull survivors out of the rubble.
4. CAPTAIN PLANET: DARK SIDE OF THE…PLANET:
Just watch this video, starring Don Cheadle:
5. THE MAN WITH TOOLS (AKA INSPECTOR GAGDET):
Detective Leon Phelps is tortured by terrorists and left for dead following the bombing of downtown Chicago, until his lifeless body is pulled out of the rubble and resuscitated…following a few adjustments thanks to the top secret government program MAD. The newly created “Inspector Gadget” agrees to help hunt down America’s enemies…but only if they allow him to kill oil magnate Dr. Claw, who was responsible for the death of his niece and dog. This reveal happens much later in the film, when the audience realizes that the Penny and Brain were just figments of Gadget’s twisted and tormented cyborg imagination. Penny will be played by Megan Fox…check out those wowsers!
IN THE OLD STORY: Inspector Gadget gadget’s included binoculars, a giant magnifying glass, and…toothpaste? Woah.
IN THE NEW STORY: Inspector Gadget gadget’s include a hypodermic needle, biochemical weapons launcher, and…a condom dispenser? Fuck yeah.
FINAL CLIMACTIC MOMENT: The bad guys are on a nuclear submarine…but it turns out Inspector Gadget IS the nuclear submarine. He proves it by gunning down a shark. Oh snap. The villains are screwed. GO GADGET GO!!!