Ways to Feel Pretty All Summer Long

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It’s almost summer, and that means it’s time to get out and sip cocktails with you’re buddies on the beach. Or if you’re inland, crash at an old friend’s lake house and eat ice cream. School’s out, pollen season is over, the heat is on, and there’s something on the barbeque, although it might just be burnt fat from the last time.

Basically: Have some fun! Get sauced! Get pregnant! Do whatever feels internally consistent with your socially constructed notions of pleasure.

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But everyone knows it’s hard to have a good time if you’re feeling bummed about you’re body. Summer is beautiful, and you should be beautiful too.

Sometimes, when you read a magazine or look at the TV, it can seem like being beautiful is for the gays, and that might make you sad. But I’ve done some research, and I’m ready to let you in on a secret: Being beautiful is easy!

So do you feel pretty? If the answer is anything less than “omg is that my reflection in the computer screen!” here are the things you need to know:

1. Take a shower-

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Sometimes being pretty is about wiping off all those bad feelings off of your body. Wash that body fat right out of your hair. In addition to feeling clean, the shower is also a great place to practice for karaoke night or writing a novel in your head. Scribble the first page in soap on your belly; then wash it off because that’s a little weird. After a shower, you’ll smell better, you’ll sing better, and your feet will be wet. You’re pretty!

2. Read a newspaper-

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Are you worried people won’t notice you at the nightclub? Why not bring a newspaper? Then people will definitely notice you! And they will also think you are well-read and educated on current events, which you are, as long as you are actually reading the whole newspaper and not just the business section. Also if you’re wondering why you feel so down, the newspaper has the answers…sinkholes, stolen elections, pipelines, hair lines, dead people, bad movie reviews. That’s right, it’s someone else’s fault! You were just projected anxiety about the rest of the world onto yourself. Just remember, the world is ugly, not you. You’re pretty!

2a. Read a newspaper in the shower-

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If you can’t sing, and you’re in the shower all by yourself, try multi-tasking. Make the most the most out of every minute. Yolo…also, you’re pretty!

3. Do Your Nails-

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Changing your body takes months, but doing your nails takes minutes. And no matter what shape your body takes, it will probably stay a rather dull shade of beige (unless you are cheating), or brown, or whatever. But your nails can be whatever color you want them to be. They can be many colors! You know what colors are pretty? Of course you do. Now put them on you’re nails. And now what? You’re pretty!

4. Wear a Dress- Obvious, right? Have you ever seen someone wearing a dress who wasn’t pretty? But some men are thinking, ‘that’s not for me’. But you’re wrong. The goal is not to be masculine. Or stone cold sexy. The goal is to be pretty! And gentlemen, I guarantee you, that after twirling around in the JC Penny dressing rooms, you will feel pretty. Anyone can feel pretty. Some people are totally into pretty boys. Why do you think people are so crazy about Justin Bieber. Actually, I don’t know, because he’s not that pretty. But if you put on a dress…you! You’re pretty!

5. Wear a Thong-

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What’s underneath those pants? Who cares? As long as it’s a thong. You’re pretty!

6. Get a boyfriend-

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Or a “bro” if you prefer. But if you’re boyfriends…or your homies…won’t tell you that you’re pretty, they are no boyfriend at all. Because you’re pretty!

7. Get a dog-

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I like dogs……………you’re pretty!

8. Eat Soup-

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but if you want to be pretty AND fancy…eat bisque! Now you’re fancy! (but if your soup is cream of pork fat or some such, then no, you’re not pretty).

9. Trim Your Nose Hair-

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If you look at a person’s face and something seems wrong or displeasing to the eye, but you cannot place it exactly. If the attraction is just not there…it’s probably because their nose hair is too long, which makes the nostrils too conspicuous. All you need is special scissors and…you’re pretty!

10. Become Beyoncé-

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If you look at a person’s face and something seems wrong or displeasing to the eye, but you cannot place exactly. If the attraction is just not there…it’s probably because they are not Beyoncé. Do I mean actually become Beyoncé? Of course not. That’s ridiculous. What I’m trying to say is:  where what she wears. Buy her line of perfumes. Listen to her music. Star in ‘Dream Girls’. Even if you can’t actually BE Beyoncé, you can still be 5′ 7”, 31, half-Creole, sing, dance, become rich, become famous, become a modern day feminist, and once you do…you’ll be pretty all summer long!

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MLB Prepared to Punish Teams, Fans, in Misguided Pursuit of Justice

Late tonight, http://espn.go.com/espn/otl/story/_/id/9301536/major-league-baseball-suspend-20-players-including-alex-rodriguez-ryan-braun-part-miami-investigation this story came out, reporting that MLB had finally reached an agreement with the Miami clinic that had reportedly provided at least 20 players with PEDs over the past few years. The story about the clinic had been known since earlier this winter, but until now Biogenesis of America (now defunct) had refused to cooperate.

As a result, the players implicated could be facing up to 100-game suspensions, including former MVP Ryan Braun. Other significant names include Melky Cabrera, Bartolo Colon, Johnny Peralta and Nelson Cruz.

If the suspensions happen soon, this will easily be the most significant PED-related crack-down since MLB began their suspension policy. Were MLB to follow through on suspending these players, it would certainly represent a major commitment to disallowing PEDs and taking punitive measures…but at what cost?

If baseball were to suspend the players associated with Biogenesis of America, it would seriously upset pennant races and roster decisions. It exposes what is not working about baseball’s drug policy. Bud Selig and friends have maintained that stopping PED usage is essentially to preserving the integrity of the sport, but it seems to me that this situation would threaten the integrity of the season results.

Twenty players is almost a full roster worth of players, although some accused are minor leaguers. That is an incredible number of players who will suddenly have to be replaced. And teams that had no contingency plan in the event these players would be suspended will have to scramble to adjust and compensate. It will be little consolation to the Tigers, for instance, that they won’t have to pay Jhonny Peralta’s salary, if his absence costs them a spot in the playoffs.

Some might say that teams have to deal with surprise injuries all the team, and this is no different. However, when is the last time twenty players all were ‘injured’ for 50-plus games in the same night? And now teams will have to deal with injuries IN ADDITION to player suspensions. Finally, some players are “injury-prone” and therefore teams can prepare for contingencies. However, can you deem a player “PED prone”, and thus have adequate backups on hand? It seems pretty clear teams are unaware or uninvolved in their players’ PED usage.

Baseball clearly has not made a great case for not using PEDs, and a lot of that goes back to Bud Selig’s regime, which allowed steroids and PEDs to become rampant to the point where it was spread to nearly all teams and perhaps hundreds of players. The clubhouse PED culture and perception is clearly still disconnected from the demagoguery coming from the media and MLB.

Part of this is because the question remains: what exactly are these players being punished for? PED usage, yes, but how has that affected their game? MLB still can’t quantify objectively the effects of PED usage, and probably never will. The perception is it boosts strength and power, but then how would you explain what PEDs have done for Everth Cabrera, he of the career .339 Slugging percentage and reigning NL stolen base king? Or Seattle’s Jesus Montero, who hasn’t quite exactly lived up to his all-star billing, to say the least?

To punish the teams, and the fans, at the expense of the players, will be an outrageous error. Baseball needs to think more about how to handle this situation, possibly adjusting their rules to avoid a disaster. Perhaps it makes more sense to withhold suspensions until the end of the season? Or to clarify the rules, and/or fine players as a first offense instead of suspending them? Something needs to change. Otherwise it is MLB, and not the users themselves, who will tarnish the 2013 season.