It’s almost summer, and that means it’s time to get out and sip cocktails with you’re buddies on the beach. Or if you’re inland, crash at an old friend’s lake house and eat ice cream. School’s out, pollen season is over, the heat is on, and there’s something on the barbeque, although it might just be burnt fat from the last time.
Basically: Have some fun! Get sauced! Get pregnant! Do whatever feels internally consistent with your socially constructed notions of pleasure.
But everyone knows it’s hard to have a good time if you’re feeling bummed about you’re body. Summer is beautiful, and you should be beautiful too.
Sometimes, when you read a magazine or look at the TV, it can seem like being beautiful is for the gays, and that might make you sad. But I’ve done some research, and I’m ready to let you in on a secret: Being beautiful is easy!
So do you feel pretty? If the answer is anything less than “omg is that my reflection in the computer screen!” here are the things you need to know:
1. Take a shower-
Sometimes being pretty is about wiping off all those bad feelings off of your body. Wash that body fat right out of your hair. In addition to feeling clean, the shower is also a great place to practice for karaoke night or writing a novel in your head. Scribble the first page in soap on your belly; then wash it off because that’s a little weird. After a shower, you’ll smell better, you’ll sing better, and your feet will be wet. You’re pretty!
2. Read a newspaper-
Are you worried people won’t notice you at the nightclub? Why not bring a newspaper? Then people will definitely notice you! And they will also think you are well-read and educated on current events, which you are, as long as you are actually reading the whole newspaper and not just the business section. Also if you’re wondering why you feel so down, the newspaper has the answers…sinkholes, stolen elections, pipelines, hair lines, dead people, bad movie reviews. That’s right, it’s someone else’s fault! You were just projected anxiety about the rest of the world onto yourself. Just remember, the world is ugly, not you. You’re pretty!
2a. Read a newspaper in the shower-
If you can’t sing, and you’re in the shower all by yourself, try multi-tasking. Make the most the most out of every minute. Yolo…also, you’re pretty!
3. Do Your Nails-
Changing your body takes months, but doing your nails takes minutes. And no matter what shape your body takes, it will probably stay a rather dull shade of beige (unless you are cheating), or brown, or whatever. But your nails can be whatever color you want them to be. They can be many colors! You know what colors are pretty? Of course you do. Now put them on you’re nails. And now what? You’re pretty!
4. Wear a Dress- Obvious, right? Have you ever seen someone wearing a dress who wasn’t pretty? But some men are thinking, ‘that’s not for me’. But you’re wrong. The goal is not to be masculine. Or stone cold sexy. The goal is to be pretty! And gentlemen, I guarantee you, that after twirling around in the JC Penny dressing rooms, you will feel pretty. Anyone can feel pretty. Some people are totally into pretty boys. Why do you think people are so crazy about Justin Bieber. Actually, I don’t know, because he’s not that pretty. But if you put on a dress…you! You’re pretty!
5. Wear a Thong-
What’s underneath those pants? Who cares? As long as it’s a thong. You’re pretty!
6. Get a boyfriend-
Or a “bro” if you prefer. But if you’re boyfriends…or your homies…won’t tell you that you’re pretty, they are no boyfriend at all. Because you’re pretty!
7. Get a dog-
I like dogs……………you’re pretty!
8. Eat Soup-
but if you want to be pretty AND fancy…eat bisque! Now you’re fancy! (but if your soup is cream of pork fat or some such, then no, you’re not pretty).
9. Trim Your Nose Hair-
If you look at a person’s face and something seems wrong or displeasing to the eye, but you cannot place it exactly. If the attraction is just not there…it’s probably because their nose hair is too long, which makes the nostrils too conspicuous. All you need is special scissors and…you’re pretty!
10. Become Beyoncé-
If you look at a person’s face and something seems wrong or displeasing to the eye, but you cannot place exactly. If the attraction is just not there…it’s probably because they are not Beyoncé. Do I mean actually become Beyoncé? Of course not. That’s ridiculous. What I’m trying to say is: where what she wears. Buy her line of perfumes. Listen to her music. Star in ‘Dream Girls’. Even if you can’t actually BE Beyoncé, you can still be 5′ 7”, 31, half-Creole, sing, dance, become rich, become famous, become a modern day feminist, and once you do…you’ll be pretty all summer long!