Kim Jong Un’s Escalating Threats: A Future Timeline

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I ASKED MY TAROT DECK WHAT NORTH KOREA PLANS TO DO NEXT. HERE IS WHAT I DISCOVERED:

TODAY: North Korea can no longer guarantee the safety of foreigners working in South Korea and asks them to leave.

April 10: North Korea announces that starting now they will add three new targets to their nuclear strike list each day, beginning with Grand Junction, Newport News and Spokane.

April 11: North Korea can no longer guarantee the safety of foreigners who have evacuated South Korea only to return to capitalist aggressor states such as the USA.

April 13: Things have escalated to the point where Kim Jong Un feels forced to delete Dennis Rodman from his cell phone address list.

April 14: North Korea can no longer guarantee the safety of President Abraham Lincoln, as a heroic operative from the people’s army will travel back in time to execute him at Forbe’s Theater, this date in 1865.

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April 17: As we move closer to war, Kim Jong Un is forced to delete Sin-Soo Choo from his baseball team as the People’s Democratic Committee for Fantasy Sports Analysis can no longer guarantee a .300 batting average all season.

April 20: Kim Jong Un is too busy watching tv and eating potato chips.

April 21: The unicorn cave is closed off for tourists and designated a local military headquarters as the unicorns prepare for war.

April 24: The people’s army reports successful completion of Stage One of the Doomsday Machine.

April 27: Things have escalated to the point where Kim Jong Un feels forced to disconnect every phone line and wired internet connection in North Korea. To demonstrate how committed he is to a final showdown, Kim Jong Un orders the construction of a new military hotline to South Korea which he confirms will be severed immediately upon its completion.

May 3: Things have escalated to the point where Kim Jong Un feels forced to add Dennis Rodman back onto his cell phone address list.

May 12: North Korea can no longer guarantee the safety of mother’s anywhere and everywhere, past present or future. All mothers are urged to evacuate to a state of pre-motherhood.

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May 14: The people’s army can no longer guarantee the safety of the juicy steak sitting on Kim Jong Un’s plate. It looks delicious.

May 15: North Korean media confirms millions of successful nuclear tests conducted from the inside of the Sun.

May 24: North Korean media confirms that a missile is being aimed at ALMOST every city in America. The people’s army declares that they will start shelling the DMZ if Obama does not reveal the location of Funky Town.

May 26: Things have escalated to the point where Kim Jong Un regretfully must close the People’s Pleasure theme park to divert resources to the people’s army. Kim Jong Un promises to spend more time looking at things in binoculars and posing inside the main military war room.

May 28: Things have escalated to the point where the people’s army can no longer guarantee the safety of teddy bears in South Korea’s teddy bear museums. Teddy bears are encouraged to evacuate to………….

May 31: Things have escalated to the point where the people’s army can no longer guarantee the safety of our planet. Extra-terrestrial visitors are encouraged to depart for more distant sectors of our galactic quadrant.

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June 4: North Korean media releases discovery of 5,474 additional unicorn caves, as well as continued negotiations with China to co-opt thousands of terra cotta warriors who do not fear death, only the continued military aggressions of capitalist puppet states.

June 11: Despite impending death and destruction, Kim Jong Un has a message for children of the aggressor nation and their puppet states: study for exams and enjoy your summer.

June 21: Summer Solstice.

THAT’S AS FAR AS THE CARDS DARED TO RELEASE. IF THEY TELL  ME ANYTHING ELSE I WILL LET YOU KNOW.

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The Best Baseball Names Ever

It’s baseball season! We’re a week into games and the New York Mets could still win EVERYTHING. Nobody outside of my ESPN fantasy baseball league seems to care about baseball, this is just something I’ve learned to live with. I have accepted the existence of Mike Piazza and Edgardo Alfonzo and RA Dickey in my life the same way Russel Crowe accepted his imaginary friends in “A Beautiful Mind.” Except my imaginary friends only show up on the television.

Before we begin, one thing I don’t understand: the Mets have spent the whole week wearing their road alternates, which not only don’t show their logo, but display a different monikor altogether. Observe long time Met Jose Reyes:

Boston Red Sox v Toronto Maple Leafs There is a bird on his helmet and his jersey says “Blue Jays.” This is really perplexing, the only think I can think of is it’s some kind of promotion. Maybe wildlife awareness? The Mets have done this before; in honor of the Negro Leagues they wore “NY Cubans” jerseys a few years ago and in 1999 in honor of  the planet Mercury they wore this weird future shit:

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Anyway, in the spirit of springtime, I thought I’d share with everyone some of the best baseball names ever, in no particular order and with no particular criteria.

BEST CURRENT NAME: Hmmmm. Maybe Dexter Fowler? Wait, no: nobody can top Mr. JJ Putz.

NAMES YOU MIGHT ‘RECOGNIZE’: Milton Bradley, Howard Johnson, Coco Crisp,

IT WAS FATE: Dave Philley played for the Phillies.

DON’T BRING IT UP, HE HATES IT: Evan Longoria, Tampa Bay Rays all-star 3b

DO YOU SEE WHAT I SEE?: Aarom Baldiris, Mets minor league 3b

SCRABBLE NAMES: Doug Mientkiewicz, Kirk Nieuwenhuis, Marc Rzepscynski, Ambiorix Concepcion, Carl Yastrzemski   Some of the names I actually know by heart because of sporcle quizzes. Is this something to be proud of?

THE BASEBALL NAME BUFFET!: Darryl Strawberry, Cookie Rojas, Chili Davis, Rocky Cherry, Candy Maldonado, Goose Goslin, Goose Gossage, and so on.

SIMPLY THE BEST

Kala and Kila Ka’aihue- these Hawaiian brothers are minor league sluggers. Kila played with the Royals for a few years. I really hope they switched places every now and then. Neither of them were very good, so it’s not like they had anything to lose. Or anything better to do.

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Cool Papa Bell- This negro league star is way way way cooler than Papa John, and was known to never bitch about having to provide health insurance to employees. Better ingredients, better ball player. That was Cool Papa Bell.

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Boof Bonser- Bonser logged some time with the Twins last decade, and then, just like that, BOOF!, he was gone.

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Rusty Kuntz- it is very offensive to call someone a rusty cunt, unless that person is Rusty Kuntz, and even then he’d probably prefer Mr. Kuntz. I feel bad for the Tigers public announcer. Every day it was like he was reciting a scene from the “Vagina Monologues.” Say it with me now, scream it out. Kuntz Kuntz Kuntz Kuntz Kuntz Kuntz Kuntz!!!

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Urban Shocker- even more of a shocker than Shocker is the fact that he is one of the only members of the 1927 Yankees not in the Hall of Fame. Which is very odd because Urban Shocker was actually a pretty good baseball player. He did stuff like win 20 games and play for the 1927 Yankees. He led the league in strikeouts that one time. And yet his name would barely fly in a detective pulp thriller.

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It’s Official: I’m Returning to Jeju

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Well, never say never. I said I wasn’t going to go back to Korea, and seven months later not only am I returning but I’m going to be teaching again on Jeju island. Sometimes you have to get away before you realize what you left behind.  It took me a long time to come to this decision. Ultimately, I realized that I had never had a more fulfilling experience or satisfying lifestyle and no matter what opportunities are here at home, whatever life goals I have, it’s going to be easier to pursue them from the Korean Hawaii.

I realize that I miss everything there, from the people, to the lifestyle, the weather, the two Indian restaurants, the sporting culture, the saunas, the squid boats, the children, like I said, everything.

Most especially though, I miss the brothels. It took me a while to come to terms with the fact that no where in America can I spend time with a high quality prostitute for under $300, especially if you consider the cost to book a motel room. I mean, where else am I going to go to find someone? Thailand? Please. They have no discretion there. I don’t want someone grabbing my junk in the street. And you get what you pay for, or what you don’t pay for: I do not want to send my streak of three twenty four consecutive years free of the clappety clap. Or whatever else is down there.

But I jest.

For those who are curious, the school is called the Cambria Institute, and it’s in shin. I interviewed with them three weeks ago just for the hell of it, but when they got back to me with a competitive offer- 2.4 million won!- several days later, I suddenly was faced with the reality that I could return, that it was for real. I’m not sure what age levels I’ll be teaching but it doesn’t really matter at this point. They said they’re in the process of hiring another western teacher so that’s something to look forward to as well. The boss seemed okay, I mean it’s a hogwon. I learned my lesson, I’m going to relax, learn Korean, relax some more, enjoy my life.

IMG_0138 The sun sets everyday on Jeju island, but every day is beautiful.

I wonder if they’ll let me back into the dance club. Hell, that’s another reason I am coming back. I have unfinished business. I never actually reached the top of the volcano. The volcano never even erupted while I was there. Not one damn time. I need to reclaim my haiku crown. Also, Jane’s Groove, watch out. That ain’t a threat, that’s a promise. I don’t plan on using violence. Not physical violence anyway. But as I wait for my documents to be processed, here this: you have two months to prepare. Prepare for what? For EVERYTHING.

A new bar across the street. A successful boycott. A toilet overflow. A silly string barrage. Shit on fire every night at 10 pm on the first stair. Rumors of a 10,000 won cover charge. Rumors of watered-down alcohol. Rumors of Kin Jung Un on the stripper poles. So many rumors. Enjoy your spring Jane, because by the end of summertime your bar will be all boarded up like Red Cats down the street and you’re going to be driving a fruit van full time by October. It’s inevitable. There’s nothing you can do about it. If you’re lucky, you will save face. But I don’t believe in saving face. Speaking of faces, you won’t recognize me. You’ll never see it coming. That’s because I now look like this:

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That’s right, I tried Jeju as a man, and now I am going to experience Jeju as a woman. It was time. I realized that it was easier for me to have the perfect woman’s body than to bulk up and try to be a ‘real man’. I’m going to go by the moniker “Erin Dunlap McKee.” I’ll still probably wear a cowboy hat, and don’t worry, I can still do a great Jim Morrison impression. However, I can now ALSO sing all my favorite Cher songs. It’s only been a week but I haven’t noticed any real personality changes or dispositions brought on my new chemical makeup. So I’m a lesbian now. And only for you, Jane. I’ll take your heart, then I’ll take your bar. Maybe I’ll take both at the same time.

Oh, I’m just fooling. I look like this:

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Whoops, wrong photo. Eh whatever, fuck it. The point is, I’m coming back to Jeju, I’m going to live the dream, and I don’t plan on waking up until I’m 35 with money in the bank and even more money in the bank. I’ll be seeing some of you real soon.

-Dakota/Aaron/Erin/Dorman/Batman/awgpoihasdfl;kjsdf-3.34847