I ASKED MY TAROT DECK WHAT NORTH KOREA PLANS TO DO NEXT. HERE IS WHAT I DISCOVERED:
TODAY: North Korea can no longer guarantee the safety of foreigners working in South Korea and asks them to leave.
April 10: North Korea announces that starting now they will add three new targets to their nuclear strike list each day, beginning with Grand Junction, Newport News and Spokane.
April 11: North Korea can no longer guarantee the safety of foreigners who have evacuated South Korea only to return to capitalist aggressor states such as the USA.
April 13: Things have escalated to the point where Kim Jong Un feels forced to delete Dennis Rodman from his cell phone address list.
April 14: North Korea can no longer guarantee the safety of President Abraham Lincoln, as a heroic operative from the people’s army will travel back in time to execute him at Forbe’s Theater, this date in 1865.
April 17: As we move closer to war, Kim Jong Un is forced to delete Sin-Soo Choo from his baseball team as the People’s Democratic Committee for Fantasy Sports Analysis can no longer guarantee a .300 batting average all season.
April 20: Kim Jong Un is too busy watching tv and eating potato chips.
April 21: The unicorn cave is closed off for tourists and designated a local military headquarters as the unicorns prepare for war.
April 24: The people’s army reports successful completion of Stage One of the Doomsday Machine.
April 27: Things have escalated to the point where Kim Jong Un feels forced to disconnect every phone line and wired internet connection in North Korea. To demonstrate how committed he is to a final showdown, Kim Jong Un orders the construction of a new military hotline to South Korea which he confirms will be severed immediately upon its completion.
May 3: Things have escalated to the point where Kim Jong Un feels forced to add Dennis Rodman back onto his cell phone address list.
May 12: North Korea can no longer guarantee the safety of mother’s anywhere and everywhere, past present or future. All mothers are urged to evacuate to a state of pre-motherhood.
May 14: The people’s army can no longer guarantee the safety of the juicy steak sitting on Kim Jong Un’s plate. It looks delicious.
May 15: North Korean media confirms millions of successful nuclear tests conducted from the inside of the Sun.
May 24: North Korean media confirms that a missile is being aimed at ALMOST every city in America. The people’s army declares that they will start shelling the DMZ if Obama does not reveal the location of Funky Town.
May 26: Things have escalated to the point where Kim Jong Un regretfully must close the People’s Pleasure theme park to divert resources to the people’s army. Kim Jong Un promises to spend more time looking at things in binoculars and posing inside the main military war room.
May 28: Things have escalated to the point where the people’s army can no longer guarantee the safety of teddy bears in South Korea’s teddy bear museums. Teddy bears are encouraged to evacuate to………….
May 31: Things have escalated to the point where the people’s army can no longer guarantee the safety of our planet. Extra-terrestrial visitors are encouraged to depart for more distant sectors of our galactic quadrant.
June 4: North Korean media releases discovery of 5,474 additional unicorn caves, as well as continued negotiations with China to co-opt thousands of terra cotta warriors who do not fear death, only the continued military aggressions of capitalist puppet states.
June 11: Despite impending death and destruction, Kim Jong Un has a message for children of the aggressor nation and their puppet states: study for exams and enjoy your summer.
June 21: Summer Solstice.
THAT’S AS FAR AS THE CARDS DARED TO RELEASE. IF THEY TELL ME ANYTHING ELSE I WILL LET YOU KNOW.