Argo Sequel Speculation

 

Enthralling! A nailbiter! Amazing but true! One of the best historical thrillers ever made! The reviews are in, and “Argo” is one of the best movies of the year. I had the privilege of seeing it last night, and I must agree: “Argo” has a winning formula-Ben Affleck, period costumes, exotic locations, and car chases.

You can’t expect such a masterpiece to be left as a stand-alone example of movie magic. No, sir. Tony Mendez is not done extracting. And since he IS a real person, technically any further films are BASED on a true story. So here are some potential sequel ideas Ben Afflect can/should/will consider:

Argo II: ARGO LOCO. Six Americans are trapped in Tijuana, Mexico, during drug wars. Exfiltration expert Tony Mendez must do one last assignment before he can retire, posing as a corrupt patrolman smuggling drugs…and “immigrants”…back over the border.

Argo III: ARGO HO HO. Six American midgets are trapped in the former Soviet Union. Exfiltration expert Tony Mendez must come out of retirement one more time to help sneak them out by posing as a crew from Santa’s workshop heading north for the Christmas season.

Argo IV: HOLY ARGO.  Six American mormons are trapped in the Vatican City during a misguided vacation. Exfiltration expert Tony Mendez must come out of retirement ONE LAST TIME because this time it is personal.  Mendez and his charges must pose as a group of traveling nuns on their way to see the Coliseum.

Argo V: HERE WE ARGO AGAIN. Six Americans are trapped in North Korea. Exfiltration expert Tony Mendez must come out of retirement again because this time it’s even MORE personal. Mendez must pose as a communist superhero taking his six “disciples” back to his volcano lair somewhere in the Pacific.

Argo VI:  AAAARGH-GO. Six Americans are trapped in Cuba. Exfiltration expert Tony Mendez must salvage a damaged reputation and come of retirement by posing as a gay pirate rum-running with his “crew” around the Caribbean.

Argo VII: THE ARGO LEGACY In this fantastic prequel, taking place nearly thirty years before the events of “Argo”, six American high school students are trapped in detention, and aspiring exfiltration expert Tony Mendez must pose as a greaser taking his six-man motorcycle gang to the restroom across the hall.

Argo VIII: ARGO AND THE ARGONAUTS. Six Americans are trapped in a time warp back to the Roman Empire. Exfiltration expert Tony Mendez must come out of retirement because he is the only man in America who still knows Latin. Mendez must pose as a Roman Commander under orders to take a six-person squadron to face barbarian hordes in the north.

Argo IX: ARGOMAGEDDON. The year is 2153. Six Americans are trapped on the Ice planet Megacyprus Nine. Exfiltration expert Tony Mendez must come out of his cryogenic hibernation to help pose as a space drilling expert taking his demolition team to mine asteroids in the Delta-Zeta Quadrant.

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Yahoo Vs Dakota

Dakota says:

It’s time someone took on one of the heavy hitters of the liberal media: Yahoo! news. I can’t look at my mail without looking at Yahoo! news, and every time it makes me upset and ruins my day. Sometimes it ruins my day over a dozen times, when the mail runs heavy.

Yahoo? Boo hoo!

So its time to fight back. It’s time to balance out the mistakes, distortions, and outright lies put forth by Yahoo. Below is a counter to every “article” yahoo has running on its front page for me (rumor has it that fancy algorithms cater to the hidden frustrations within all of us).

YAHOO SAYS: “There are six health benefits of kissing, including cleaner teeth and reducing stress.”

DAKOTA SAYS: “You can accomplish this with the right amount of toothpaste and over-the-counter drugs, there is no need to try and find another person.”

YAHOO SAYS: “You can watch the ‘Breaking Dawn’ red carpet premier live!”

DAKOTA SAYS: “As if you needed another reminder of how Kristen betrayed Robert. If you see any ‘Dawn’ premier this month, watch the red carpet parade for ‘Red Dawn’, a story about great American heroes.”

YAHOO SAYS: “We have the goods on how Mike D’Antoni will affect Kobe Bryant.”

DAKOTA SAYS: “Who? What? Oh, basketball. When is the traveling rodeo show coming to Albany New York?”

YAHOO SAYS: “Tom Cruise has a son in ‘Red Dawn’.”

DAKOTA SAYS: “I hope he dies in the movie. Also, how many of you can accurately identify Tom Cruise’s son in the picture above?”

YAHOO SAYS: “America has a new supercomputer.”

DAKOTA SAYS: “Not as fast as China’s SECRET supercomputer.”

YAHOO SAYS: “Will Grier is a teenager and he breaks records.”

DAKOTA SAYS: “A great reminder of how many athletes’ lives peak before they are old enough to vote.”

YAHOO SAYS: “Man finds cash windfall in trash bin.”

DAKOTA SAYS: “Not as interesting as when a trash bin finds a man windfall amidst a deadly fight for cash.”

YAHOO SAYS: “Anne Hathaway tried to look dead during Les Mis shooting.”

DAKOTA SAYS: “Good call, when the bullets start flying, it’s best to look like you’ve already been shot. I knew they wanted a grittier Les Mis, but I didn’t read anywhere that they actually armed the students with weapons! I like Anne Hathaway, she’s pretty, she did a great job in ‘Brokeback Mountain’ a film with a dubious message but shot in a great location.”

YAHOO SAYS: “You can hurt yourself at the gym.”

DAKOTA SAYS: “That’s why Aaron stays in bed all day. Haw Haw.”

YAHOO SAYS: “Coach denies slapping incident.”

DAKOTA SAYS: “Coach attests it was actually a spanking.”

Later on in the week: review of “Beer with Jesus.”

Post Election Analysis: Everyone’s A Winner

 

Listen, everybody who participated in this election should feel good about themselves, no matter what the result.

Both Presidential candidates worked very hard and they should be proud of themselves.

In the end, it’s not about who won the electoral vote, or the popular vote, but who felt like they accomplished something, who experienced what it takes to run for office, to fight for America, to debate the issues.

There were so many good candidates this year, and before the polls were open this morning, anybody could win. That is what makes the election so exciting.

I’m proud of the candidates. They should be proud of themselves too.

100 Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Vote Tomorrow, Part I

It’s almost election day!

But first, it is apparently “Guy Fox” day, he’s a mascot for a London charity, which is nice, but I’m not giving him any money. But keep on fighting the good fight, Guy Fox!

Anyway, voting is stoopid. Freedom means having the freedom to stay home tomorrow. Think I’m wrong? Here are 100 reasons not vote.

1. There are no candidates running for nationwide office on the Wyoming Independence Party ticket.

2. There are no New York Mets running for nationwide office.

3. Of the candidates running for office, nobody has a plan to solve the NY Mets’ debt, which is honestly a lot more troubling to me than the national debt.

4. Neither Obama nor Romney has a plan to save the narwhals.

5. People with split personalities, even bogus internet ones, like myself/ourself, must choose only one identity tomorrow, otherwise it is voter fraud.

6. Speaking of which, transgender voters have to decide whether they are voting as a man or a woman tomorrow, they don’t have a choice. Be in solidarity with them, don’t vote.

7. If you are reading this and you are not a US citizen, you shouldn’t vote tomorrow because your vote won’t count and it would be a waste of time.

8. Even if you are a US citizen, your vote won’t count. The election was decided 3 months ago inside the control room of the Jewish mothership, which is currently camouflaged and resting on the Halla volcano. Romney and Obama were both there to accept their fate. Don’t believe me? Ask yourself, what were they doing three months ago on this very day? Do you know? Are you really going to believe what the media says?

9. You might have to wait in line to vote. Lines are boring.

10. Time is money. Money you can never get back. Time spent voting is time spent NOT playing with LEGOs. Do you really want to spend time not playing with LEGOs?

11. Paul Ryan has scary eyes. The only way to make the scary eyes go away is to not vote tomorrow.

12. You might run into an old High-school ‘friend’ or not-friend at the voting booth, and then you have to tell them about your life and stuff.

13. My parents are getting up at 7 am to vote. Why the fuck should you get up at 7 am to do anything? If voting means getting up early, just say no.

14. If nobody votes, nobody wins. Wouldn’t that be more exciting than having an actual winner?

15. The only way to ensure voter fraud does not occur is to not vote at all. Do you really think you can stop yourself from voting twice?

16. If you try to vote tomorrow, I am going to vote for the other guy and cancel out your vote. Try me. I dare you. This is only true for people in New York, though. Unfortunately I cannot cancel out your vote if you live in any of the other 49 states.

17. It’s better to let someone else vote ‘for you’, that way, if the ‘wrong’ person wins, it’s their fault, no yours.

18. There is always the possibility for a manchurian-candidate scenario. The only way to avoid this is to NOT VOTE.

19. Both Romney and Obama refused my offers of speechwriting, campaign managing, and even the simple gift of friendship.

20. Your decision for voting is probably not based on science. Don’t vote.

21. Voting is difficult. I mean the physical act. Some states have some real fancy machines. You might make a mistake. The only way to avoid accidentally voting for the wrong candidate is to not vote at all.

22. Obama and Romney except you to vote for free. You should never do anything for free.

23. Obama threatens Judeo-Christian values…but so does Mormon Mitt Romney. The only way to support Judeo-Christian values is to not vote at all.

24. Voting makes you feel insignificant and tiny, one among the masses. Be big, be strong, be yourself, support individuality and don’t vote.

25. What if your voting booth…is the one where A SERIAL MURDERER IS LURKING BEHIND THE CURTAIN!?!?!?! Why even take that chance???

26. Both Mitt Romney and Barack Obama are excellent candidates and it would just be unfair for you or I to have to choose.

27. If you believe in apocalyptic things, do note that the theoretical new President would take office after the end of the world. This election is a waste of time.

28. Not voting will help avoid arguments with family over Thanksgiving as you will be able to honestly avoid any political discussion, because by not voting you have put yourself ‘above politics’.

29. You are not from Ohio.

30. Once you vote, the government has access to your social security number, fingerprints, and facebook account.

31. (if) You are under 18.

32. The lesser of two evils is still….too evil to vote for! No thank you sir!

33. “Obama girl” didn’t show up this election cycle, and Romney never even had a Romney girl. He never opened up the binder.

34. A vote is an objective decision yet we live in a subjective world. Don’t support the inconsistency.

35. Some states now require voter ID. Like a drivers license. Real Americans have licenses because real Americans have cars. If you don’t have a car, you are not a real American. Don’t vote.

36. It’s cold outside. Voting at temperatures below 60 degrees Fahrenheit is not recommended by doctors.

37. ?

 

This concludes part one. I am warning you in advance, there might not be a part two.

Questions You Should Be Asking

Dakota has some important things on his mind:

1. Why was the partnership between Lucasfilm and Disney kept a secret until a week before the election?

(Dakota’s hint: fanboys now have “A New Hope and Change”)

2. Why did all the Jews who live on the Jersey shore leave their jobs and head to upstate New York…a week BEFORE hurricane Sandy?

4. If you could actually have a beer with Jesus, why would YOU fit the bill?

(btw-we are going to talk more about this guy later on in the week)

5. What happened to question three?